Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Michael Jackson anyway…

Q: What was Michael Jackson’s favorite past time???
A: Blowing bubbles

Q: What are Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon & Farrah getting for Christmas? 
A: Patrick Swayze.

Q. Michael Jackson’s favorite Chinese food? 
A. Sum Yung Guy

CPR, evidently not as easy as ABC.

Q. How is Michael Jackson like a jockey? 
A. They both like riding 3 year olds.

Q: Where did Michael Jackson shop for a date?
A: Boys ‘R Us.

Q: What made Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It was the little boy inside him.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: When was bedtime at the Michael Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touched the little hand.

Q: What game did Michael NOT allow to be played at Neverland?
A: Got your nose!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They both like a little crack now and then.

FranchisePick.com suggests a Cold Stone Creamery franchise:

“It’s well known that the Palin’s are huge Cold Stone Creamery fans, as CST was a regular campaign stop (one on the Palin bus reportedly craved pickles and ice cream every hundred miles).

And since Cold Stone Creamery is seemingly a bad investment in the best of circumstances (Cold Stone Creamery Gets Served by Franchisees) and would indicate especially poor judgement to open in Alaska, it seems like a natural choice.

Have you got a career suggestion for Sarah Palin?  Share it below.

IMAGE CREDIT:   mocr License:  Creative Commons

Sub franchise giant Wiznos recently launched its FREE FOOD AT WIZNOS! marketing campaign, which requires Wiznos franchisees to give all their food away for free. Sandwich industry publication The Sub Standard recently interviewed Wiznos CEO beloved Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. about the controversial campaign.

SS: Mr. Quick, Esq., you have set the industry buzzing with the new FREE FOOD AT WIZNOS! marketing campaign. Isn’t giving away your food for free sort of… crazy?

QUICK: Crazy? Brilliant innovaters are always called crazy. They called us crazy when we pioneered the use of singing rodent-like vermin in food commercials! They called us crazy for conducting quality control French Dip field tests in the trunks of rental cars! And, yes, they called us crazy for continuing to sell hundreds of franchises in oversaturated markets and keeping the money for stores that’ll never open! Well, technically, they called the last one fraud.

SS: But how can a company make money giving away its products for free?

QUICK: Volume, my dear. Volume! Our FREE FOOD AT WIZNOS! Campaign is an important part of our new value positioning strategy. While the competition can match our signature Buy One Get Six Free promotion, they will literally have to give cash back to beat this one.

SS: How’s it working so far?

QUICK: Fantastic!  Customers are lined up out the door of Wiznos stores nationwide! Not even the soup kitchen and rescue missions can compete. Our ad division is very profitable, since our advertising consists solely of bullhorns and the words “Hey! You!  Want Some Free Food?!”

Our foodservice division that sells food and supplies at a mark-up to Wiznos franchisees is showing a record profit. We’ve had to double our food delivery staff and put an armed accounts receivable enforcer on every truck.

SS: About that… we’ve heard complaints from franchisees that they have to foot the bill for all the free food you’re making them give away.

QUICK: Not true! Where did you hear that? Can you provide names of these individuals? We really need the names so that we can, er, clarify them on this matter.

Actually, Wiznos corporate is reimbursing the franchisees for most of their costs by not charging a royalty on the free food that’s given away. It’s just our way of pitching in.

SS: Many Wiznos franchisees are saying that they’re going out of business, losing their homes, and ending up on the street because you continue to charge them full price for their food, but make them give it away.

QUICK: As you know, Wiznos is very proud of our work with the homeless… and I don’t simply mean helping them get their start. We’re proud to say that a free meal is now available at any Wiznos that is still operating.  Many homeless former franchisees have taken shelter in our shuttered 3-2-1-0 FIT fitness centers at no charge.  In addition, we continue to donate millions to underprivileged litigation law students, which we see as in investment in our future.

In these tough economic times, it’s the least we can do. And you can always count on Wiznos to do the least we can do!

Budway names Phelps Spokesman

Franworst’s Budway signs Michael Phelps as Smokesman

Shortly after Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps’ spokemanship gig with one franchise chain went up in smoke, he was quickly re-signed with the upstart Budway franchise, a FranWorst company.  While it’s an expensive move for the budding chain, FranWorst.com owner & Budway CEO Richard Quick, Esq. is ecstatic.  “It’s a smart advertising investment,” said Quick.  “Phelps provides our best bong for the buck.”

What do you think? Leave a comment below.

I’ve recently fired three employees for having Fark.com show up in their browser history. Even as Security was escorting them out the door, each was adamant that Fark.com is clever, topical and witty… just like them.
My response: I’m sure they’ll be impressed at your next job interview, loser.  Now get the Fark off my property.

WIZNOS SUB!

According to WIZNOS CEO Richard Quick, Esq. “At only $3.99, the LB. O’ FLESH Value Meal provides a your choice of WIZNOS Sub with a full pound of meat.  Plus, when you buy one LB. OF FLESH Value Meal, you get a 2nd one free!”

At a press conference earlier today, reporters asked how Wiznos Corporation could possibly make money selling two 1 lb. sandwiches for only $3.99.

CEO Quick explained:  “It’s simple.  The second lb. of flesh is extracted directly from our franchisees.”

WIZNOS SUB! is a QuickCo company, widely praised for its contributions to the homeless (helping them get their start) and the trial lawyer community.

Interested in the WIZNOS SUB! franchise opportunity? Leave a message below!

American consumers love pizza.  They love a bargain.  And they love to see people worse off than themselves.

Now, QuickCo Franchising has combined America’s passion for pizza, low prices and the misfortune of others into one exciting concept:  Cold Stone Pizza!

If you’re looking for a lucrative way to combine your love of money with your disregard for your fellow man, the Cold Stone Pizza franchise is the opportunity you’ve been looking for!

A flash of inspiration from Earth’s #1 millionaire-maker

What inspired this genius idea?  America’s beloved millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. says “I was reading the moronic website Franchise Pick.  There was a big uproar about some Pizza Time franchisee who makes his pizza shop employees work in sub-freezing temperatures without heat.  I thought:  What’s the big deal?  None of these altruists were offering to pay an extra buck a pizza to heat the pizza peons. I thought:  If these phonies thought they’d save 50 cents, they’d make’m work without lights, too.”

“Then the light bulb clicked on.  Eureka! Another Multimillion dollar idea! ”

A Proven Concept Tested & Refined for Days

Millionaire Quick, Esq. immediately assembled his top development team to create a lowest-cost, lowest-overhead pizza delivery franchise.  They eliminated the unnecessary frills of their bloated competitors, including heat, employee bonuses, incentives and fair pay, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, toilet paper, latex gloves, hand sanitizer, and the use of motorized vehicles.  Profit sharing was replaced by expense sharing, with food and supply purchases charged to employee’s personal credit cards.

The Cold Stone Pizza HR team developed innovative ways to recruit low-cost, abuse-tolerant employees, including DUI recipients,  Megan’s Law honorees, illegal aliens, and former franchise brokers.

The first franchise, sold to Milton Deebler before the name was finalized, was an immediate hit.  Says Quick:  “We were amazed.  Usually the first 50 or so new franchises tank until we figure out what we’re doing, but this was actually successful.  Go figure.  After several days of trial and error, we sold our first 100 store Master Franchise.”

We abuse our employees & pass the savings on to you!

Doesn’t the public care about employee welfare?  Explains Quick:  “Sure they do.  Until they see our 2 Large Pizzas For $4.99 Special.  That’s delivered, with choice of two toppings.  The Chinese can’t offer pizzas at those prices.”

“I’m a motivator,” says motivator Richard Quick, Esq. “I teach our employees that there are two kinds of people in this world:  The abusers and the abused.  Work hard, and you’ll get your shot.  After working at Cold Stone Pizza, our employees become highly motivated to achieve more with their lives… like becoming Cold Stone Pizza franchise owners.  Or prison guards.”

Do you have what it takes to succeed with the Cold Stone Pizza franchise?

For more franchise information, email RichardQuickEsq.[at]yahoo.com.

[DISCLAIMER: This is a parody site. Cold Stone Pizza is fictional and in no way related to actual companies, including Cold Stone Creamery, or WWF wrestlers, including Stone Cold Steve Austin. For info on REAL franchise opportunities, visit FranBest.com, Franchise Pick, or Top New Franchises.]

Pre-dawn raid cracks “largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.”

Leola, PA In a massive crackdown on what’s been called an epidemic of new “lifestyle” business opportunity scams, the FTC* has filed suit against the 150,000 members of the Amish community for running what they declare is the largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.

According to FTC Director of Consumer Protection Amanda Linn: “Project ‘Going Buggy’ is the culmination of many month’s of intense inter-departmental cooperation and coordination. We have launched a multi-prong, multi-state attack on a business opportunity scam that is sweeping this nation in epidemic proportions.”

Clandestine “Chow Chow Labs” Uncovered; Quilt stash seized.

According to Linn, the target of their sting operation is a well-organized group operating under various names, including “The Amish,” “The Old Order Amish,” or “The Plain People.” Group members are recognizeable by their plain, handmade clothing, their all-black horse and buggies and their refusal to conform to use of modern conveniences such as automobiles and electricity. In settlements in Lancaster County, PA and Holmes County, OH, the Amish reportedly generate billions of dollars making and selling quilts, wood furniture, apple butter, ‘shoofly pies’, baked goods and a variety of strange relishes manufactured in underground facilities called “Chow Chow labs.”

“For years the Amish have been profiting from a business network that requires a standardized appearance, uniform, strict operating procedures, and the payment of fees and, in some cases, vegetables, into a centralized fund. That’s the very definition of a franchise,“ according to Linn. Franchise entities are required to conform to the FTC’s Franchise Rule, which includes written disclosure of the terms of the agreement, providing names and addresses of all corporate officers and franchisees, and a prohibition against making any return-on-investment promises.

Widespread “Churnings Claims” Alleged.

The FTC charges that unsuspecting participants were duped into conforming to the Amish franchise program literally from birth. Prospective Amish franchisees were subjected to long “church services,” lasting 3-5 hours in duration, in which they were promised spiritual riches in the afterlife if they followed Amish procedures. According to the FTC, all references to profit potential, spiritual or otherwise, must be properly disclosed as an Earnings Claim in Item 19 of a properly prepared Uniform Franchise Offering Circular (UFOC) document. Amish recruiters are alleged to have made widespread “Churnings Claims,” offering promises of austerity and discomfort to their recruits.

The FTC alleges that unwitting franchisees attended an 18-year training program, were issued an extensive operations manual ( “Holy Bible’) and were regularly inspected by operations reps (known as “Bishops”). The Amish members were prohibited from using modern plumbing or appliances or from operating their business on Sundays. Additionally, they were forced to contribute to community relief funds, to make and deliver hot dishes to sick neighbors and to work without pay at communal “barn-raisings.”In a pre-dawn raid, Federal officers descended on Amish fields, dairy barns and roadside stands in Intercourse and Bird-in-Hand, PA, and Nappanee and Farmerstown, OH. Assets and evidence seized in the raid included mattresses stuffed with cash, butter churns, milking stools, plows, carpentry devices, several trays of whoopie pies, bales of a suspicious hemp-like substance and a dog named Spooner. Over a dozen buggies were impounded.

Suspects were immediately required to relinquish their traditional Amish garb (including beards) as evidence, and were given, in exchange, tropical beachware generously donated by the Tommy Bahama company.

Operation “Going Buggy” Continues.

More federal seizures are sure to come in the FTC’s Operation ‘Going Buggy’.” According to Linn, “The Amish seemed almost relieved. Their living conditions were deplorable: no phone, no lights, no motor car. Not a single luxury. Children ran barefoot and fished from creeks without proper tackle. They still used push mowers. They had no television, much less Playstation 2 or xBox. As one young Amish child I interviewed said ‘It’s like being grounded… all of the time.’”

* Clarification: The FTC in this story stands for Fictional Trade Commission, and is in no way affiliated with the legitimate and venerable Federal agency that shares its initials. In fact, anything or anyone else anywhere at any time is entirely coincidental.

PHOTO CREDIT: The Electric Amish. Used by Permission. Visit the Electric Amish Website. Buy their CD awhile.

It’s what Jesus wants for you:

With your Birthdate I can tell your love future for Free.

A. Please, call me Millionaire.

Frequently asked questions about the FRANWORST Franchise Program

Q. Mr. Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., what will I actually DO as a FRANWORST franchisee?

A. Please, call me Millionaire. To state it simply, you will succeed.

We will find the little ember of potential that has remained hidden so deep and out of sight for so long that many doubt it even exists. Through the wind of opportunity generated by the entrepreneurial fan of our franchise program, that ember will glow, and brighten and flare and soon will be a raging bonfire of success that will be blinding to all those around you!

Q. Wow! That’s wonderful! But I meant, what, specifically, is the business I will be in. What kind of work will I do? How will I make money?

A. Good questions, all. You’re a smart cookie asking the tough questions. Good for you! Unfortunately, Federal franchise laws prohibit us from disclosing any information that would enable you to make an informed decision. However, once you have signed our binding franchise agreement and your check has cleared, all will be revealed.

Q. I understand that at our first face-to-face meeting you must give us our legal agreements to review, and that the law says we can’t sign the agreement for ten business days after that.

A. You’re partially right. How it works is that we send you the legal documents ten days before we meet, and you send us a signed receipt. The documents will be in an envelope that you must keep sealed. No peeking! We then open the envelope at our meeting and you can sign up on the spot.

Q. Why is there a ten-day waiting period?

A. In the early days of franchising, there were some dishonest people who are now dead. It seems that some unscrupulous buyers tricked unsuspecting franchise salesmen into letting them sign up without giving the salespeople time to mull it over. The ten days gives the salesperson some time to consider whether the buyer is worthy.

Q. Rich, honey… I’m sending Consuela to the store. Do you need anything?

A. We’re running low on bourbon. And scotch.

Q. My Uncle Elgar says that we should research your company thoroughly and interview all your franchisees. Uncle Elgar was a successful businessman in the Old Country and seems to know about these things.

A. What your Uncle Elgar doesn’t understand is that impulsive, ill-conceived ideas and rash actions are what made America great. Next time your uncle butts into your business, say: “Hey, Uncle Elgar. This ain’t the Old Country.”

Q. But Uncle Elgar says…

A. But Uncle Elgar says… Listen, we know all about your Uncle Elgar. He’s a communist and has been linked to several terrorist groups. He’s under surveillance by the government right now. If you follow his advice, they’ll figure you must be a terrorist too.

Q. The FRANWORST franchise opportunity sounds too good to be true! Am I dreaming?

A. Opportunities too good to be true don’t come along that often, but I’m proud to say, yes, the FRANWORST franchise opportunity IS too good to be true! That’s why we’re the hottest new trend that’s sweeping the country!

Q. Will the FRANWORST franchise program make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?

A. How wild are your dreams?

Q. A little bird told me that you’re developing a line of FRANWORST Flash-in-the-Pan themed clothing, including a hat shaped like a frying pan that emits real flames.

A. Damn those little birds. I thought we had poisoned them. Yes, we are testing a confidential prototype called the Pan-A-Ma Hat™ that could be another profit center for you. Tests will resume once our R&D Director’s condition is upgraded to “stable.”

Q. Do you really expect me to believe that because it’s a franchise, I’m going to be successful?

A. Yes.

Q. OK

Q. Can the FRANWORST franchise program really make me a multi-millionaire?

A. What can I say? It worked for me!