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Goose Chasing Franchise  Turn your hatred of waterfowl into an exciting business opportunity!

Pirahna Pedicures  Finally!  A flesh-eating fish franchise YOU can afford!

1-800-AUTOPSY Franchise  A mobile franchise that’s a cut above the rest.

Gum Removal Franchise  Build your future in the exciting field of chewing gum removal!

Mobile Pet Cremation  Provide the ultimate Spot remover.

Pooper Scooper Franchise  Mine the brown gold!

Bounty Hunter Franchise  It’s Success or Bust! with this bounty hunting franchise.

Murder Maids  Criminals aren’t the only ones making a killing.

Grass Painting Franchise  The grass is always greener when it’s freshly painted.

Porno Pizza  3 deadly sins (sloth, gluttony, lust)…  1 exciting franchise!

Pet Funeral Home  Are there big, tear-stained checks in your future?

KNOW OF ANY BIZARRE FRANCHISE OR BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES?  SHARE A COMMENT BELOW.

A. Please, call me Millionaire.

Frequently asked questions about the FRANWORST Franchise Program

Q. Mr. Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., what will I actually DO as a FRANWORST franchisee?

A. Please, call me Millionaire. To state it simply, you will succeed.

We will find the little ember of potential that has remained hidden so deep and out of sight for so long that many doubt it even exists. Through the wind of opportunity generated by the entrepreneurial fan of our franchise program, that ember will glow, and brighten and flare and soon will be a raging bonfire of success that will be blinding to all those around you!

Q. Wow! That’s wonderful! But I meant, what, specifically, is the business I will be in. What kind of work will I do? How will I make money?

A. Good questions, all. You’re a smart cookie asking the tough questions. Good for you! Unfortunately, Federal franchise laws prohibit us from disclosing any information that would enable you to make an informed decision. However, once you have signed our binding franchise agreement and your check has cleared, all will be revealed.

Q. I understand that at our first face-to-face meeting you must give us our legal agreements to review, and that the law says we can’t sign the agreement for ten business days after that.

A. You’re partially right. How it works is that we send you the legal documents ten days before we meet, and you send us a signed receipt. The documents will be in an envelope that you must keep sealed. No peeking! We then open the envelope at our meeting and you can sign up on the spot.

Q. Why is there a ten-day waiting period?

A. In the early days of franchising, there were some dishonest people who are now dead. It seems that some unscrupulous buyers tricked unsuspecting franchise salesmen into letting them sign up without giving the salespeople time to mull it over. The ten days gives the salesperson some time to consider whether the buyer is worthy.

Q. Rich, honey… I’m sending Consuela to the store. Do you need anything?

A. We’re running low on bourbon. And scotch.

Q. My Uncle Elgar says that we should research your company thoroughly and interview all your franchisees. Uncle Elgar was a successful businessman in the Old Country and seems to know about these things.

A. What your Uncle Elgar doesn’t understand is that impulsive, ill-conceived ideas and rash actions are what made America great. Next time your uncle butts into your business, say: “Hey, Uncle Elgar. This ain’t the Old Country.”

Q. But Uncle Elgar says…

A. But Uncle Elgar says… Listen, we know all about your Uncle Elgar. He’s a communist and has been linked to several terrorist groups. He’s under surveillance by the government right now. If you follow his advice, they’ll figure you must be a terrorist too.

Q. The FRANWORST franchise opportunity sounds too good to be true! Am I dreaming?

A. Opportunities too good to be true don’t come along that often, but I’m proud to say, yes, the FRANWORST franchise opportunity IS too good to be true! That’s why we’re the hottest new trend that’s sweeping the country!

Q. Will the FRANWORST franchise program make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?

A. How wild are your dreams?

Q. A little bird told me that you’re developing a line of FRANWORST Flash-in-the-Pan themed clothing, including a hat shaped like a frying pan that emits real flames.

A. Damn those little birds. I thought we had poisoned them. Yes, we are testing a confidential prototype called the Pan-A-Ma Hat™ that could be another profit center for you. Tests will resume once our R&D Director’s condition is upgraded to “stable.”

Q. Do you really expect me to believe that because it’s a franchise, I’m going to be successful?

A. Yes.

Q. OK

Q. Can the FRANWORST franchise program really make me a multi-millionaire?

A. What can I say? It worked for me!

What people are saying about
The FIP franchise program.

“I wanted to be my own boss. To drive my own bus. To be in business for myself but not by myself. To print my own $20 bills on my own press in my basement. That didn’t turn out to be such a good idea. In nine years when I get out, I’m going to be smart and buy a FRANWORST franchise.”

Pat Roach, Lehigh Correctional Facility

“Before I discovered FRANWORST, I was nothing but a psychopathic social pariah with a multi-million dollar trust fund. Now I’m the owner of a FRANWORST franchise.”
Milton Deebler, FRANWORST franchisee

“I’m Lance McBoyle. You may know me from such franchise brochures as Billion Dollar Babies, Smash ‘N Grab and Scumbusters International. As a leading franchisee impersonator, I’ve seen a lot of opportunities in my day. I’m here to say that the FRANWORST franchises are definitely among them.”

Lance McBoyle, Franchisee Impersonator

Our franchise is like a big family. Only better.

The FRANWORST franchise support team is like a family, only much better.
No mind-numbing family holidays.
No guilt trips.
No parental disappointment at how you turned out.
No Uncle Elgar from the Old Country.
And no attendance at weddings with cheap bar booze and an out-of-tune band that hasn’t quite mastered the hokey pokey.

Start-up Support. Our system is designed to get you started in your hot new business as fast as humanly possible, sometimes faster. You can be up and running in as few as 5-7 days if you pay by check, and instantly if you pay by VISA, Mastercard, American Express, Diner’s Club, Discover, gold coins, cash or negotiable bonds.

Ongoing Support: With the FRANWORST franchise program, you are truly in business FOR yourself, but not BY yourself. You’re up the creek, but WITH a paddle. You’re screwed and blued, but not tattooed. And remember, when you are a member of the FRANWORST franchise family, our answering machine is always just a phone call away.

Just-Blame-Us™ ScapeGoat™ Program: When things go wrong, independent business owners have no one to blame but themselves. But FRANWORST franchisees have us to blame! Templated complaints include: “Royalties too high!” “Not enough support!” “Too much support!” “Why don’t you… oh, you did? Well, still…” Whining can be submitted 24 hours a day, 365 days a year by using our 1-900 Whineline, Fax-A-Whine or E-whine Online email programs. Our state-of-the-art call center ensures that all complaints are promptly disregarded within minutes of submission.

Does it burn you up to see your old high school classmates starting exciting high-risk ventures while you’re suffocating in the stifling world of bi-weekly paychecks, paid vacations, comprehensive health benefits and profit-sharing?

Well maybe it’s time you stopped your pathetic whining and jumped out of fire of discontent and into the frying pan of business ownership… through one of our FRANWORST Franchise Programs!

You’ll be part of the hot new trend: FRANWORST franchises are ground-floor opportunities that put you on the cutting edge of a revolutionary new trend and enables you to harness the most sophisticated emerging technology to meet the needs of today’s time-starved and cash-rich consumers.

You can be part of the hot new trend… from home! There’s no need to rent expensive office space to be part of the hot new trend. FRANWORST home-based franchises let you enjoy your business weekdays and weekends, day and night, even through suppertime. And because many FRANWORST franchises are home-based, your family will be part of the hot new trend as well!

You can tell your boss: “Bite me. I’m part of the hot new trend.” Mother said, “Never burn your bridges.” That’s because Mother was never part of the hot new trend. She never felt the satisfaction and unfettered glee that total bridge-burning brings. But you can.

Tell the neighbors: “I’m part of the hot new trend and you’re not.” When the neighbors see the new BMW in your driveway and the new Grecian Marbelite fountain and Koi pond you just installed, they’ll be buzzing: “Didn’t you hear? She’s part of the hot new trend!”

Best yet: Your friends won’t be part of the hot new trend: The same cellphone-toting, online shopping smarty-pants’s who looked down on you for using AOL for email and BLOGGER for your recipe blog will be sucking up big-time when you’re part of the hot new trend. Can we be part of the hot new trend too? they’ll plead. And you can say, No, sorry, it’s too exclusive. Or, better yet, you can sell them a franchise and collect a nice fat commission at their expense!

PEOPLE LIE BUT NUMBERS DON’T!

Consider this: industry demand for the goods and services you’ll sell as a FRANWORST franchise owner reached a record $2 zillion last quarter, and were growing at a brisk rate of 624% Industry experts agree that sales will break one bazillion, no, two bazillion by next month and some believe sales could top ten gazillion shortly after that¹.

¹ Source: industry experts

All trends indicate you should give us your money.
If you’re shopping for the hottest opportunity, don’t be fooled by so-called “hot new concepts,” or even “really hot new concepts.” FRANWORST franchises, providing genuine “hottest new concepts,” provide an average of 56% more growth potential than “hot new concepts,” and 33% more opportunity than “really hot new concepts.” In fact, if you join our franchise family by the end of this month, you’ll receive a free “hottest new trend” welcome kit that includes an additional 10% of opportunity and a colorful foam frisbee emblazoned with the FRANWORST logo.

If it says “Franchise,” your success is assured.

Franchising. The U.S. Department of Commerce called it “The Wave of the Future.”¹ Franchising now accounts for $20 gazillion annually. By the year 2121, it is estimated that over 99c of every retail dollar will be spent in a franchised establishment. According to the International Franchise Association, the average single family dwelling will contain 3 full franchise units and 1 Starbucks kiosk by 2122. People of Earth: Resistance is futile.

Why do franchises have a better than 100% success rate while independent business start-ups end in financial ruin, despair and bloodletting after only 20 minutes? ² We’re not sure, but some guy used these statistics in an ad in 1978 and attributed them to the Department of Commerce, so we all quote him.

1 In accordance with a court order, the full context of the Department of Commerce quote is hereby disclosed: “…Franchising is The Wave of The Future, washing over an inane populace who gurgle and choke on their own self-deception like so much seawater…”

² Source: Some guy’s ad, 1978.

]]> http://www.franworst.com/god-doesnt-make-losers-so-why-are-you-living-like-one/feed/ 0 http://www.franworst.com/qa-with-millionaire-richard-quick-esq/ http://www.franworst.com/qa-with-millionaire-richard-quick-esq/#comments Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:18:37 +0000 Richard Quick http://www.franworst.com/?p=449 Q&A with Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.

Q. Mr. Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., what will I actually DO as a FRANWORST franchisee?

A. Please, call me Millionaire.

Q. Mr. Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., what will I actually DO as a FRANWORST franchisee?

A. Please, call me Millionaire. To be direct, you will succeed. You will find the little ember of potential that has remained hidden so deep and out of sight for so long that many doubt it even exists. Through the wind of opportunity generated by the entrepreneurial fan of our franchise program, that ember will glow, and brighten and flare and soon will be a raging bonfire of success that will be blinding to all those around you!

Q. Wow! That’s wonderful! But I meant, what, specifically, is the business I will be in. What kind of work will I do? How will I make money?

A. Good questions, all. Unfortunately, Federal franchise laws prohibit us from disclosing any information that would enable you to make an informed decision. However, once you have signed our binding franchise agreement and your check has cleared, all will be revealed.

Q. I understand that at our first face-to-face meeting you must give us our legal agreements to review, and that the law says we can’t sign the agreement for ten business days after that.

A. You’re partially right. How it works is that we send you the legal documents ten days before we meet, and you send us a signed receipt. The documents will be in an envelope that you must keep sealed. No peeking! We then open the envelope at our meeting and you can sign up on the spot.

Q. Why is there a ten-day waiting period?

A. In the early days of franchising, there were some dishonest people who are now dead. It seems that some unscrupulous buyers tricked unsuspecting franchise salesmen into letting them sign up without giving the salespeople time to mull it over. The ten days gives the salesperson some time to consider whether the buyer is worthy.

Q. I’m sending Consuela to the store. Do you need anything?

A. We’re running low on bourbon. And scotch.

Q. My Uncle Elgar says that we should research your company thoroughly and interview all your franchisees. Uncle Elgar was a successful businessman in the Old Country and seems to know about these things.

A. What your Uncle Elgar doesn’t understand is that impulsive, ill-conceived ideas and rash actions are what made America great. Next time your uncle butts into your business, say: “Hey, Uncle Elgar. This ain’t the Old Country.”

Q. But Uncle Elgar says…

A. But Uncle Elgar says… Listen, we know all about your Uncle Elgar. He’s a communist and has been linked to several terrorist groups. He’s under surveillance by the government right now. If you follow his advice, they’ll figure you must be a terrorist too.

Q. The FRANWORST franchise opportunity sounds too good to be true! Am I dreaming?

A. Opportunities too good to be true don’t come along that often, but I’m proud to say, yes, the FRANWORST franchise opportunity IS too good to be true! That’s why we’re the hottest new trend that’s sweeping the country!

Q. Will the FRANWORST franchise program make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?

A. How wild are your dreams?

Q. A little bird told me that you’re developing a line of FRANWORST Flash-in-the-Pan themed clothing, including a hat shaped like a frying pan that emits real flames.

A. Damn those little birds. I thought we had poisoned them. Yes, we are testing a confidential prototype called the Pan-A-Ma Hat™ that could be another profit center for you. Tests will resume once our R&D Director’s condition is upgraded to “stable.”

Q. Do you really expect me to believe that because it’s a franchise, I’m going to be successful?

A. Yes.

Q. OK

Q. Can the FRANWORST franchise program really make me a multi-millionaire?

A. What can I say? It worked for me!

When I’m sitting on the veranda of my multimillion-dollar home with my family all close around me, I ask myself: What is success?

To me, success is not about my Mercedes, Jaguar or Porsche.

It’s not about my houses in Aruba or Tahiti or the furnished apartment for my mistress.

Success is not about jewels, and fine suits and boats at all.

No, success is about owning those things. And having enough money left over to buy more.

I’ve learned that the secret to success is your people. And I don’t just mean uncovering their most damaging secrets or their inner weaknesses and exploiting them for monetary gain. I also mean discovering their potential, however feeble or noxious, nurturing it and figuring out how to use that for monetary gain.

I’ve also learned to never underestimate people. I remember when Milton Deebler showed up at my door. My first reaction was to call security, which our maid Consuela had already done. Even after we had him arrested several times he kept coming back.

Deebler had a quality called persistence. My ex-wife said he wanted a franchise and that maybe we should give him a shot. I said, “You give him a shot, you old hag. You’re outta your freakin’ mind.”

But I looked again at Deebler and recognized that he had something very special that he carried with him wherever he went. It was a shoebox full of money. I told him to leave it on the steps, and I sent him on a quest to get another just like it. Then I sent him for another… and another.

His persistence paid off and he’s now a valuable FRANWORST franchisee. I don’t know where he gets it, I don’t want to know and that’s not the point.

The point is that now when I see Milton, I no longer have him arrested. I say, “Hello, Mr. Deebler. Is that a new cologne I detect on you? Please just leave the shoebox on the steps, back away slowly with your hands in plain sight and have a great day!”

The point is: If Milton Deebler could make it this far with the FRANWORST franchise program, just think what you could do!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.
President and CEO

READ:  Most Bizarre Franchises

Richard Quick, Esq. has announced a unique franchise that both caters to (and is produced by) a captive market: The FranWorst Prison Wine Distributorship Franchise. Franworst Prison Wine is new line of wines based on the Olde World tradition of handmade prison wine. For decades, prisoners have made their own wine by mixing common ingredients such as stale bread, fruit, ketchup, and sugar in their cell toilets and fermenting each batch in plastic garbage bags.
CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE.

If Cork & Olive’s wine connoisseur Michael Probst were to go to prison, the collaboration between this reknowned wine retailer and resident prison winemakers (many of whom have spend 30 years, 40 years to life perfecting their craft) could spark a renaissance in prison wine and create a whole new wine niche.

The market for this wine would be both ex-inmates and parolees who developed a taste for this vintage but haven’t been able to purchase it since their release, and fine wine drinkers who realize the quality produced by those who could get shanked for a single bad bottle.

Franworst Prison Wine stores would be given priority purchasing rights and even have the option of private labeling some of the specialty lines, like San Quentin Reserve, Cell Block C, Lifer’s Liebfraumilch and the specially aged 20 to Life.

(FranWorst.com) Beloved Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. has announced the debut of the first Meal Assembly & Cosmetic Surgery Kitchen Franchise: Make & Fake Gourmet. Make & Fake Gourmet combines the consumer appeal of paying hundreds of dollars to prepare ones own meals, and the booming demand for such cosmetic enhancements as botox injections, face peels, microderm abrasions, and liposuction… all in a festive, upscale, and social setting.

More details were not available at press time, as Mr. Quick just thought of the idea and had other things to do.

Said millionaire-maker Quick: “I am proud to be able to offer this exciting franchise opportunity to qualified individuals. As you know, 99% of franchise owners are wildly successful compared to 99% of independent business owners who fail in the most public, humiliating ways possible. QuickCo is proud to offer another exciting opportunity that’s truly too good to be true.”

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