FTC Busts Amish! Quilt Cache Seized from “Illegal Franchise”

Pre-dawn raid cracks “largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.”

Leola, PA In a massive crackdown on what’s been called an epidemic of new “lifestyle” business opportunity scams, the FTC* has filed suit against the 150,000 members of the Amish community for running what they declare is the largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.

According to FTC Director of Consumer Protection Amanda Linn: “Project ‘Going Buggy’ is the culmination of many month’s of intense inter-departmental cooperation and coordination. We have launched a multi-prong, multi-state attack on a business opportunity scam that is sweeping this nation in epidemic proportions.”

Clandestine “Chow Chow Labs” Uncovered; Quilt stash seized.

According to Linn, the target of their sting operation is a well-organized group operating under various names, including “The Amish,” “The Old Order Amish,” or “The Plain People.” Group members are recognizeable by their plain, handmade clothing, their all-black horse and buggies and their refusal to conform to use of modern conveniences such as automobiles and electricity. In settlements in Lancaster County, PA and Holmes County, OH, the Amish reportedly generate billions of dollars making and selling quilts, wood furniture, apple butter, ‘shoofly pies’, baked goods and a variety of strange relishes manufactured in underground facilities called “Chow Chow labs.”

“For years the Amish have been profiting from a business network that requires a standardized appearance, uniform, strict operating procedures, and the payment of fees and, in some cases, vegetables, into a centralized fund. That’s the very definition of a franchise,“ according to Linn. Franchise entities are required to conform to the FTC’s Franchise Rule, which includes written disclosure of the terms of the agreement, providing names and addresses of all corporate officers and franchisees, and a prohibition against making any return-on-investment promises.

Widespread “Churnings Claims” Alleged.

The FTC charges that unsuspecting participants were duped into conforming to the Amish franchise program literally from birth. Prospective Amish franchisees were subjected to long “church services,” lasting 3-5 hours in duration, in which they were promised spiritual riches in the afterlife if they followed Amish procedures. According to the FTC, all references to profit potential, spiritual or otherwise, must be properly disclosed as an Earnings Claim in Item 19 of a properly prepared Uniform Franchise Offering Circular (UFOC) document. Amish recruiters are alleged to have made widespread “Churnings Claims,” offering promises of austerity and discomfort to their recruits.

The FTC alleges that unwitting franchisees attended an 18-year training program, were issued an extensive operations manual ( “Holy Bible’) and were regularly inspected by operations reps (known as “Bishops”). The Amish members were prohibited from using modern plumbing or appliances or from operating their business on Sundays. Additionally, they were forced to contribute to community relief funds, to make and deliver hot dishes to sick neighbors and to work without pay at communal “barn-raisings.”In a pre-dawn raid, Federal officers descended on Amish fields, dairy barns and roadside stands in Intercourse and Bird-in-Hand, PA, and Nappanee and Farmerstown, OH. Assets and evidence seized in the raid included mattresses stuffed with cash, butter churns, milking stools, plows, carpentry devices, several trays of whoopie pies, bales of a suspicious hemp-like substance and a dog named Spooner. Over a dozen buggies were impounded.

Suspects were immediately required to relinquish their traditional Amish garb (including beards) as evidence, and were given, in exchange, tropical beachware generously donated by the Tommy Bahama company.

Operation “Going Buggy” Continues.

More federal seizures are sure to come in the FTC’s Operation ‘Going Buggy’.” According to Linn, “The Amish seemed almost relieved. Their living conditions were deplorable: no phone, no lights, no motor car. Not a single luxury. Children ran barefoot and fished from creeks without proper tackle. They still used push mowers. They had no television, much less Playstation 2 or xBox. As one young Amish child I interviewed said ‘It’s like being grounded… all of the time.’”

* Clarification: The FTC in this story stands for Fictional Trade Commission, and is in no way affiliated with the legitimate and venerable Federal agency that shares its initials. In fact, anything or anyone else anywhere at any time is entirely coincidental.

PHOTO CREDIT: The Electric Amish. Used by Permission. Visit the Electric Amish Website. Buy their CD awhile.

Richard Quick’s GRATE FUN! Adventure Park

(Franworst)

America’s beloved Millionaire entrepreneur Richard Quick, Esq. is pleased to announce that he has finalized negotiations with the People’s Republic of China to become the exclusive U.S. representative and Master Franchise holder of the GRATE FUN! Child Adventure Systems. Read more