Richard Quick, Esq. on FREE FOOD AT WIZNOS! Campaign

Sub franchise giant Wiznos recently launched its FREE FOOD AT WIZNOS! marketing campaign, which requires Wiznos franchisees to give all their food away for free. Sandwich industry publication The Sub Standard recently interviewed Wiznos CEO beloved Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. about the controversial campaign.

SS: Mr. Quick, Esq., you have set the industry buzzing with the new FREE FOOD AT WIZNOS! marketing campaign. Isn’t giving away your food for free sort of… crazy?

QUICK: Crazy? Brilliant innovaters are always called crazy. They called us crazy when we pioneered the use of singing rodent-like vermin in food commercials! They called us crazy for conducting quality control French Dip field tests in the trunks of rental cars! And, yes, they called us crazy for continuing to sell hundreds of franchises in oversaturated markets and keeping the money for stores that’ll never open! Well, technically, they called the last one fraud.

SS: But how can a company make money giving away its products for free?

QUICK: Volume, my dear. Volume! Our FREE FOOD AT WIZNOS! Campaign is an important part of our new value positioning strategy. While the competition can match our signature Buy One Get Six Free promotion, they will literally have to give cash back to beat this one.

SS: How’s it working so far?

QUICK: Fantastic!  Customers are lined up out the door of Wiznos stores nationwide! Not even the soup kitchen and rescue missions can compete. Our ad division is very profitable, since our advertising consists solely of bullhorns and the words “Hey! You!  Want Some Free Food?!”

Our foodservice division that sells food and supplies at a mark-up to Wiznos franchisees is showing a record profit. We’ve had to double our food delivery staff and put an armed accounts receivable enforcer on every truck.

SS: About that… we’ve heard complaints from franchisees that they have to foot the bill for all the free food you’re making them give away.

QUICK: Not true! Where did you hear that? Can you provide names of these individuals? We really need the names so that we can, er, clarify them on this matter.

Actually, Wiznos corporate is reimbursing the franchisees for most of their costs by not charging a royalty on the free food that’s given away. It’s just our way of pitching in.

SS: Many Wiznos franchisees are saying that they’re going out of business, losing their homes, and ending up on the street because you continue to charge them full price for their food, but make them give it away.

QUICK: As you know, Wiznos is very proud of our work with the homeless… and I don’t simply mean helping them get their start. We’re proud to say that a free meal is now available at any Wiznos that is still operating.  Many homeless former franchisees have taken shelter in our shuttered 3-2-1-0 FIT fitness centers at no charge.  In addition, we continue to donate millions to underprivileged litigation law students, which we see as in investment in our future.

In these tough economic times, it’s the least we can do. And you can always count on Wiznos to do the least we can do!

WIZNOS SUB! Launches LB. O’ FLESH Value Meal Promotion

WIZNOS SUB! is hoping to take a bite out of rival Quiznos Sub by offering the economically stimulating LB. O’ FLESH Value Meal.

According to WIZNOS CEO Richard Quick, Esq. “At only $3.99, the LB. O’ FLESH Value Meal provides a your choice of WIZNOS Sub with a full pound of meat.  Plus, when you buy one LB. OF FLESH Value Meal, you get a 2nd one free!”

At a press conference earlier today, reporters asked how Wiznos Corporation could possibly make money selling two 1 lb. sandwiches for only $3.99.

CEO Quick explained:  “It’s simple.  The second lb. of flesh is extracted directly from our franchisees.”

WIZNOS SUB! is a QuickCo company, widely praised for its contributions to the homeless (helping them get their start) and the trial lawyer community.

Interested in the WIZNOS SUB! franchise opportunity? Leave a message below!

COLD STONE PIZZA FRANCHISE

American consumers love pizza.  They love a bargain.  And they love to see people worse off than themselves.

Now, QuickCo Franchising has combined America’s passion for pizza, low prices and the misfortune of others into one exciting concept:  Cold Stone Pizza!

If you’re looking for a lucrative way to combine your love of money with your disregard for your fellow man, the Cold Stone Pizza franchise is the opportunity you’ve been looking for!

A flash of inspiration from Earth’s #1 millionaire-maker

What inspired this genius idea?  America’s beloved millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. says “I was reading the moronic website Franchise Pick.  There was a big uproar about some Pizza Time franchisee who makes his pizza shop employees work in sub-freezing temperatures without heat.  I thought:  What’s the big deal?  None of these altruists were offering to pay an extra buck a pizza to heat the pizza peons. I thought:  If these phonies thought they’d save 50 cents, they’d make’m work without lights, too.”

“Then the light bulb clicked on.  Eureka! Another Multimillion dollar idea! ”

A Proven Concept Tested & Refined for Days

Millionaire Quick, Esq. immediately assembled his top development team to create a lowest-cost, lowest-overhead pizza delivery franchise.  They eliminated the unnecessary frills of their bloated competitors, including heat, employee bonuses, incentives and fair pay, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, toilet paper, latex gloves, hand sanitizer, and the use of motorized vehicles.  Profit sharing was replaced by expense sharing, with food and supply purchases charged to employee’s personal credit cards.

The Cold Stone Pizza HR team developed innovative ways to recruit low-cost, abuse-tolerant employees, including DUI recipients,  Megan’s Law honorees, illegal aliens, and former franchise brokers.

The first franchise, sold to Milton Deebler before the name was finalized, was an immediate hit.  Says Quick:  “We were amazed.  Usually the first 50 or so new franchises tank until we figure out what we’re doing, but this was actually successful.  Go figure.  After several days of trial and error, we sold our first 100 store Master Franchise.”

We abuse our employees & pass the savings on to you!

Doesn’t the public care about employee welfare?  Explains Quick:  “Sure they do.  Until they see our 2 Large Pizzas For $4.99 Special.  That’s delivered, with choice of two toppings.  The Chinese can’t offer pizzas at those prices.”

“I’m a motivator,” says motivator Richard Quick, Esq. “I teach our employees that there are two kinds of people in this world:  The abusers and the abused.  Work hard, and you’ll get your shot.  After working at Cold Stone Pizza, our employees become highly motivated to achieve more with their lives… like becoming Cold Stone Pizza franchise owners.  Or prison guards.”

Do you have what it takes to succeed with the Cold Stone Pizza franchise?

For more franchise information, email RichardQuickEsq.[at]yahoo.com.

[DISCLAIMER: This is a parody site. Cold Stone Pizza is fictional and in no way related to actual companies, including Cold Stone Creamery, or WWF wrestlers, including Stone Cold Steve Austin. For info on REAL franchise opportunities, visit FranBest.com, Franchise Pick, or Top New Franchises.]