FTC Busts Amish! Quilt Cache Seized from “Illegal Franchise”

Pre-dawn raid cracks “largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.”

Leola, PA In a massive crackdown on what’s been called an epidemic of new “lifestyle” business opportunity scams, the FTC* has filed suit against the 150,000 members of the Amish community for running what they declare is the largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.

According to FTC Director of Consumer Protection Amanda Linn: “Project ‘Going Buggy’ is the culmination of many month’s of intense inter-departmental cooperation and coordination. We have launched a multi-prong, multi-state attack on a business opportunity scam that is sweeping this nation in epidemic proportions.”

Clandestine “Chow Chow Labs” Uncovered; Quilt stash seized.

According to Linn, the target of their sting operation is a well-organized group operating under various names, including “The Amish,” “The Old Order Amish,” or “The Plain People.” Group members are recognizeable by their plain, handmade clothing, their all-black horse and buggies and their refusal to conform to use of modern conveniences such as automobiles and electricity. In settlements in Lancaster County, PA and Holmes County, OH, the Amish reportedly generate billions of dollars making and selling quilts, wood furniture, apple butter, ‘shoofly pies’, baked goods and a variety of strange relishes manufactured in underground facilities called “Chow Chow labs.”

“For years the Amish have been profiting from a business network that requires a standardized appearance, uniform, strict operating procedures, and the payment of fees and, in some cases, vegetables, into a centralized fund. That’s the very definition of a franchise,“ according to Linn. Franchise entities are required to conform to the FTC’s Franchise Rule, which includes written disclosure of the terms of the agreement, providing names and addresses of all corporate officers and franchisees, and a prohibition against making any return-on-investment promises.

Widespread “Churnings Claims” Alleged.

The FTC charges that unsuspecting participants were duped into conforming to the Amish franchise program literally from birth. Prospective Amish franchisees were subjected to long “church services,” lasting 3-5 hours in duration, in which they were promised spiritual riches in the afterlife if they followed Amish procedures. According to the FTC, all references to profit potential, spiritual or otherwise, must be properly disclosed as an Earnings Claim in Item 19 of a properly prepared Uniform Franchise Offering Circular (UFOC) document. Amish recruiters are alleged to have made widespread “Churnings Claims,” offering promises of austerity and discomfort to their recruits.

The FTC alleges that unwitting franchisees attended an 18-year training program, were issued an extensive operations manual ( “Holy Bible’) and were regularly inspected by operations reps (known as “Bishops”). The Amish members were prohibited from using modern plumbing or appliances or from operating their business on Sundays. Additionally, they were forced to contribute to community relief funds, to make and deliver hot dishes to sick neighbors and to work without pay at communal “barn-raisings.”In a pre-dawn raid, Federal officers descended on Amish fields, dairy barns and roadside stands in Intercourse and Bird-in-Hand, PA, and Nappanee and Farmerstown, OH. Assets and evidence seized in the raid included mattresses stuffed with cash, butter churns, milking stools, plows, carpentry devices, several trays of whoopie pies, bales of a suspicious hemp-like substance and a dog named Spooner. Over a dozen buggies were impounded.

Suspects were immediately required to relinquish their traditional Amish garb (including beards) as evidence, and were given, in exchange, tropical beachware generously donated by the Tommy Bahama company.

Operation “Going Buggy” Continues.

More federal seizures are sure to come in the FTC’s Operation ‘Going Buggy’.” According to Linn, “The Amish seemed almost relieved. Their living conditions were deplorable: no phone, no lights, no motor car. Not a single luxury. Children ran barefoot and fished from creeks without proper tackle. They still used push mowers. They had no television, much less Playstation 2 or xBox. As one young Amish child I interviewed said ‘It’s like being grounded… all of the time.’”

* Clarification: The FTC in this story stands for Fictional Trade Commission, and is in no way affiliated with the legitimate and venerable Federal agency that shares its initials. In fact, anything or anyone else anywhere at any time is entirely coincidental.

PHOTO CREDIT: The Electric Amish. Used by Permission. Visit the Electric Amish Website. Buy their CD awhile.

FRANWORST 500

WARNING: Some of these links lead to adult and/or objectionable content. If you are under 18 or have negative net worth, please turn back now.

Featured Franchise & Distributorship Opportunities

New:

iSTOLE It: Opening Windows of Opportunity

Meal Assembly & Botox Kitchen Franchise

Richard Quick’s GRATE FUN! Adventure Park

Darn Good Sock Repair.

Pet Funeral Home & Crematorium
AMAZING CONES PIZZA IN A CONE Franchise!
Wang Balls Squidballs Franchise!
A-Maizing Japanese Corn Franchise!
Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy & Cheese Franchise
GRATE FUN! Adventure Park Franchise
MOB HITZ Hit Man Franchise
SHIT CREEK PADDLE STORE FRANCHISE

Richard Quick, Esq.’s Famous 101+ Ways to GET RICH QUICK!

1. Waffle Delivery & Repair
2. Nudes ‘N Foods Franchise
3. The FOR SALE Bologna Brown-Eggs Quilts Crafts Cheese Flowers Pernnials franchise
4. The Town Crier Franchise
5. Be a Buccaneer Butcher!
6. Clean BJs & Weiners!
7. The Mr. Bagpipe Franchise
8. Start your own Church!
9. Old Barn Wood Furniture and Crafts
10. Peculiar Medical Clinic
11. Home Pasta Delivery
12. Become a Marketing Consultant!
13. Big Money in Midgets
14. Own a BetaMax Superstore!
15. Amish Country Signs Franchise
16. Make Luggage from Tape!
17. Start a Home Casino!
18. Turn Trash into Cash!
19. Unlock Windows of Opportunity
20. The ultimate booming business
21. Fungus “R” Us Toenail Fungal abatement
22. Mona Leasing Art Rental Franchise
23. Pseudodental Repair Franchise
24. Sell Dehydrated Water
25. Open an “As Seen in Motels” discount store
26. Open a Sundae Station franchise
27. Market “Afterlife Telegrams”
28. Win International Lotteries!
29. Assist Nigerian Millionaire Widows & Orphans
30. Sell your Immortal Soul!
31. Import Gourmet Minnesota Coconuts!

31.5: REALLY OUTRAGEOUS:

32. Sell Freeze Pops With REAL Shards O’ Glass
33. Sell Trendy Male Lipstick
34. Start a Home Lasik Surgery Center
35. Start your own Pet Island!
36. Sell Child Confinement & Transport Products
37. Sell Peace of Mind
38. Sell immortality. That’s right. IMMORTALITY!
39. Sell Doggy Eyewear!
40. Become a Lip Balm Addiction Counselor
41. Buy a Mooncake, Meatfloss & CuttleFish Franchise
42. Open an Alter Ego Rehabilitation Clinic
43. Sell Snake Penis Capsules Medicine
44. San Francisco Sausage Co. & Fudge Packery
45. Open a Squat ‘n Gobble Restaurant!
46. DAPZY’s! The Dangerous Animal Petting Zoo
47. The Big Green Mystical Ball
48. Become a Happy Hooker!
49. Open a Bette Davis BBQ Joint!
50. Open a Gun Store Tattoo Parlor
51. Sell HandJobs!
52. Sell FUELISH! Top Secret Gasoline Booster!
53. Sell Gently War-Torn Real Estate!
54. Flip No-Dinar-Down Properties!
55. Sell Frozen Meats. They’re endangered!
56. Sell AutoErotic Asphyxia Accessories
57. Open a Christian Dollar Store!
58. Rent Negroes for Big $$$$$
59. Human Caviar: The Next Big Craze!
60. Buy/Sell Black Market Babies, Pandas & Tigers.
61. Provide Primate Temp Tech Workers.
62. Become a Memory Erasure Intake Counselor.
63. Help Parents Create Perfect Children.
64. Build Corpses for Fun & Profit.
65. Or Become a Corpse Reseller.
66. Open a Brain Transplant Clinic…
67. Become a Deep Discount Travel Agent!
68. Sell delicious “PISS” (It’s imported!)
69. Become a Cheezus Freak!
70. Sell Republican Clothing
71. Sell Cute Lil Fetuses
72. EZ TOYZ = EZ CASH!!!
73. Be a Cavie Costumer!
74. No-Money Down Iraqi Real Estate
75. Friendly Fire Fast Funds Franchise!
76. Sell UFO Abduction Insurance!
77. Sell Cow Pie Clocks
78. Sell Penis Birds
79. Sell Penis Clowns
80. Become a Rectal Exam Trainer!
81. Start an Anti-Currency Movement!
82. Become a Contract Killer!
83. Sell Innovative Fruit Carriers
84. Sell Yarmulkebras!(TM)
85. Rent Your Chest!
86. Sell Vulva Puppets!
87. Sell Nipple Stifflers
88. Start an Ultimate Taxi Service!
89. Become an Etch-a-Sketch Artist!
90. Sue your employer!
91. Magic Money Matrix as seen on OPRAH!
92. Shit Creek Paddle Store Franchise
93. Start a Band called Sand Dollar
94. AdVerPets NewMedia Franchise
95. Automated Bovid Dispensers Franchise
96. Start a Bumvertising Agency
97. LOOK RICH QUICK! The Franchise
98. Learn Exotic Dancing at home!
99. Sell ANALRETTES Smoking Alternative
100. Sell Inflatable Commander-in-Chiefs
101. Sell Friendly Fire Ammo… Like Snuffy!
102. Sell Lunar Advertising!
103. Sell EnviroAd Product Placement
104. Sell DIY Drunk Tests!
105. Own the Pet Funeral Home & Crematorium of Your Dreams
106. AMAZING CONES PIZZA IN A CONE Franchise!
107. Wang Balls Squidballs Franchise!
108. A-Maizing Japanese Corn Franchise!
109. Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy & Cheese Franchise
110. GRATE FUN! Adventure Park Franchise
111. ChineseBaby.Com
112. MOB HITZ Hit Man Franchise
113. SHIT CREEK PADDLE STORE FRANCHISE
114. Darn Good Sock Repair
115. Eternal Ascent Cremation Dispersal
116. Starbuskj Cofe & Rop Franchise
117. Joe Weiner’s Mail Order Brides Franchise
118. Wholly Crap Dog Doo Removal Franchise
119. Cheezus Industries Religious Cheese Sculpture Dist.
120. Wealth Thru Window Washing
121. Smelly Restroom Abatement Franchise
122. Hemp Sisters: Clothes You Can Smoke!
123. Start a Swinger’s Club!
124. The “No Soup for You!” Franchise
125. Jesus-Is-Lord Escort Service
126. MetroNaps Napping Pod Franchise
127. Big Money Playing with HorseBalls!
128. Start an Exotic Dancer Ministry!
129. Become a Pro Hair Stylist for $59.95
130. Get in on the Mummification Boom!
131. Get God is in Your Upline! Heavenly MLM
132. Hot Product Alert: Pork & Beanie Babies!
133. CyberTan: The World’s First Internet Tanning Salon!
134. HOT PRODUCT: Gasoline Supersoaker
135. HOT PRODUCT: Baby Grenade. Pull the pacifier & throw!
136. Big PILE O’ PIGS franchise

137. Quixtar!!! (Different from AMWAY!!!)

138. Trunk Monkey Security Systems

Why aren’t you rich yet? Check back tomorrow for more great opportunities.

Enviro-Ad Environmental Product Placement

EnviroAd campaigns are working around the country for some of America’s largest industries for America’s best-known brands.

EnviroAds are the next-generation of product placements, appearing right where consumers live, drive, walk and jog.

EnviroAd real-world product placements not only create unmatched reach and frequency, they provide peer validation and real-world popularity.

Here are a few images from current EnviroAd campaigns that you may recognize. After all, EnviroAds are all around you!

BEVERAGE EnviroAd Campaigns

FAST FOOD EnviroAd Campaigns

TOBACCO EnviroAd Campaigns

OTHER EnviroAd Campaigns

For more information on how EnviroAd can blanket your target markets with real-world product placements, contact Richard Quick, Esq. at richardquickesq@myway.com.

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE A POSITIVE COMMENT OR ENDORSEMENT OF EnviroAd!

CLICK TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ENVIRO-AD:

OVERVIEW: EnviroAd Environmental Advertising

IDEAL PRODUCT PLACEMENT: EnviroAd IPP

LUNAR ADVERTISING: The Sky’s No longer the limit… With EnviroAd Lun.E

CASE STUDY: EnviroAd Puts KFC on the MOON!

iSTOLE It: Opening Windows of Opportunity

iSTOLE It combines the selling power of eBay auctions with our unique, no-cost inventory acquisition system to unlock multiple window(s) of opportunity for YOU!

The power of eBay. Online auctions aren’t just for Nigerian advance fee fraud, counterfeit Gucci handbags and Virgin Mary-shaped grilled cheese sandwiches anymore! eBay’s become the premiere global pipeline for easy liquidation of valuable merchandise… such as your ex-wife’s Rolex, your neighbor’s lawnmower and that missing gold chalice from St. Anthony’s.

Low cost of goods? Try NO cost of goods. eBay drop-off store franchises like iSold It*, Snappy Auctions and AuctionMeElmo lack a steady source of valuable merchandise. With the proprietary iSTOLE It inventory acquisition system, everyone wins! Homeowners get cash for their valuable items. Insurance companies gain customer appreciation and an excuse to raise their premiums. And YOU gain a nondescript warehouse filled with items consumers want… and want back.

Get in on the ground floor and move up! iSTOLE It is a great entry level opportunity. Many of our ISI franchisees from living in small apartments to The Big House in no time! And many who started with iSTOLE It now also own such franchises as Pruno Prison Wine and H&R Cell BLOCK.

See you on the veranda!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.

For more great franchise opportunities, visit the FRANWORST 500

* iSTOLE It is not affiliated with any other company, living or dead. Resemblance to actual companies is entirely coincidental. iSTOLE It is void where prohibited by law. iSTOLE It is intended for medical and/or novelty purposes only. Suing us is strictly prohibited.

BUDGET BRIDES: Love 4 Less!

Welcome to Budget Brides: Mail order brides 4 less!
Dating, Matchmaking, Singles, Foreign Brides. Wives. Meet eligible women from the Poland, USSR, Singapore, Zimbabwe, Alabama and other places even worse than where you live.

A Jezebel with Decibels: Oksana is ready - and priced - to move!
Oksana, whose name means one who laughs like blaating sheep, loves show tunes, big hats, feather boas, “Sweating to the Oldies” videos, collecting Precious Memories figurines, and 18 other practices deemed unacceptable by her government. Their loss (and willingness to pay all transportation costs and deportation-related expenses) can be your gain… especially if you’ve suffered hearing loss or are mildly delusional! Oksana is just the one to perk up your quiet, boring household with the sound of music, dance, and indescribable but endearing shrieklike sounds of her own creation. You’ll get more for your money, because Oksana never sleeps!

Harmless when medicated
Meet lovely Lily. She’s young. Beautiful. Spirited. And completely harmless when properly medicated. You won’t need an alarm or attack dog with this lovely vixen in the house, as she is trained in three forms of martial arts and even served in her regime’s Secret Police! Despite a slight history of explosive and violent outbursts, Miss Lily is gentle as a purring tiger when she’s taken her meds. She loves children, is a skilled interrogater and extraordinary rendition specialist… handy talents when those teenage years roll around!

We have looked into your future and have some important information for you. Click the button to the left, answer the easy (even for you) questions and receive your message from the future. Don’t sit there… get clicking!

Could you put a smile on this face?
Meet Tatyana, an excellent ukrainian cook with low self esteem and bad skin. Her agoraphobia and limited English make her a perfect companion for the stay-at-home bachelor or the bedridden. Says Tatyana about the prospect of finding her soulmate in America: “OK.” She’s not that into men, and not that into the idea of marriage, but let’s face it: you’re in no position to be choosy. If she was hot with even a mildly pleasant demeanor, you’d never even have a shot at her, would you? Would you?

For mail order brides, foreign wives, hot international singles, eligible bachelors and bachelorettes, dating advice, singles hook-ups, matchmaking worldwide, dating and trysts on a beer budget, Budget Brides is your best choice.

Budget Brides: Where you definitely get what you pay for!

Meal Assembly & Botox Kitchen Franchise

(FranWorst.com) Beloved Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. has announced the debut of the first Meal Assembly & Cosmetic Surgery Kitchen Franchise: Make & Fake Gourmet. Make & Fake Gourmet combines the consumer appeal of paying hundreds of dollars to prepare ones own meals, and the booming demand for such cosmetic enhancements as botox injections, face peels, microderm abrasions, and liposuction… all in a festive, upscale, and social setting.

More details were not available at press time, as Mr. Quick just thought of the idea and had other things to do.

Said millionaire-maker Quick: “I am proud to be able to offer this exciting franchise opportunity to qualified individuals. As you know, 99% of franchise owners are wildly successful compared to 99% of independent business owners who fail in the most public, humiliating ways possible. QuickCo is proud to offer another exciting opportunity that’s truly too good to be true.”

Related news:
Can Botox Parties Save the Meal Prep Franchises? (Part 1)
Can Botox Parties Save the Meal Prep Franchises? (Part 2)
Can Botox Parties Save the Meal Prep Franchises? (Part 3)

Richard Quick’s GRATE FUN! Adventure Park

(Franworst)

America’s beloved Millionaire entrepreneur Richard Quick, Esq. is pleased to announce that he has finalized negotiations with the People’s Republic of China to become the exclusive U.S. representative and Master Franchise holder of the GRATE FUN! Child Adventure Systems. Read more

SHIT CREEK PADDLE STORE FRANCHISES AVAILABLE!

Shit Creek Paddle Store:

Franchises now available!

You’ve been there before. Heck, maybe you’re there now! And with your firsthand experience with misfortune, you know that when you’re up Shit Creek without a paddle, you’ll pay whatever it takes.

Well now you can be on the winning side of things for once… as the owner of your very own Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise!

Not sure if a franchise is right for your future? Don’t take a chance. Ask the Ugly Psychic if the Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise is right for you.

Or, if you prefer, get a free psychic reading from the voluptuous Ms. Sara Freder. She knows you want to.

The Ugly Psychic:

100% Free psychic reading If you do have a problem click here it is 100% free Miss Sara Freder:

Free astrology reading

Disclaimer: This is not an offer of a Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise. An offer of a Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise is available by prospectus only. We cannot guarantee results or happiness. We cannot guarantee that even your oldest friends will not resent you once you are unimaginably wealthy from this or other Franworst brand franchise opportunities. Get rich at your own risk.