“Eternal Ascent” Franchise: Real or Unreal?
February 14, 2009 by Richard Quick · Leave a Comment
Franchisees will send your dearly departed’s ashes to heaven via a red helium balloon.
COLD STONE PIZZA FRANCHISE
January 8, 2009 by Richard Quick · 5 Comments
American consumers love pizza. They love a bargain. And they love to see people worse off than themselves.
Now, QuickCo Franchising has combined America’s passion for pizza, low prices and the misfortune of others into one exciting concept: Cold Stone Pizza!
If you’re looking for a lucrative way to combine your love of money with your disregard for your fellow man, the Cold Stone Pizza franchise is the opportunity you’ve been looking for!
A flash of inspiration from Earth’s #1 millionaire-maker
What inspired this genius idea? America’s beloved millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. says “I was reading the moronic website Franchise Pick. There was a big uproar about some Pizza Time franchisee who makes his pizza shop employees work in sub-freezing temperatures without heat. I thought: What’s the big deal? None of these altruists were offering to pay an extra buck a pizza to heat the pizza peons. I thought: If these phonies thought they’d save 50 cents, they’d make’m work without lights, too.”
“Then the light bulb clicked on. Eureka! Another Multimillion dollar idea! ”
A Proven Concept Tested & Refined for Days
Millionaire Quick, Esq. immediately assembled his top development team to create a lowest-cost, lowest-overhead
pizza delivery franchise. They eliminated the unnecessary frills of their bloated competitors, including heat, employee bonuses, incentives and fair pay, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, toilet paper, latex gloves, hand sanitizer, and the use of motorized vehicles. Profit sharing was replaced by expense sharing, with food and supply purchases charged to employee’s personal credit cards.
The Cold Stone Pizza HR team developed innovative ways to recruit low-cost, abuse-tolerant employees, including DUI recipients, Megan’s Law honorees, illegal aliens, and former franchise brokers.
The first franchise, sold to Milton Deebler before the name was finalized, was an immediate hit. Says Quick: “We were amazed. Usually the first 50 or so new franchises tank until we figure out what we’re doing, but this was actually successful. Go figure. After several days of trial and error, we sold our first 100 store Master Franchise.”
We abuse our employees & pass the savings on to you!
Doesn’t the public care about employee welfare? Explains Quick: “Sure they do. Until they see our 2 Large Pizzas For $4.99 Special. That’s delivered, with choice of two toppings. The Chinese can’t offer pizzas at those prices.”
“I’m a motivator,” says motivator Richard Quick, Esq. “I teach our employees that there are two kinds of people in this world: The abusers and the abused. Work hard, and you’ll get your shot. After working at Cold Stone Pizza, our employees become highly motivated to achieve more with their lives… like becoming Cold Stone Pizza franchise owners. Or prison guards.”
Do you have what it takes to succeed with the Cold Stone Pizza franchise?
For more franchise information, email RichardQuickEsq.[at]yahoo.com.
[DISCLAIMER: This is a parody site. Cold Stone Pizza is fictional and in no way related to actual companies, including Cold Stone Creamery, or WWF wrestlers, including Stone Cold Steve Austin. For info on REAL franchise opportunities, visit FranBest.com, Franchise Pick, or Top New Franchises.]
FRANWORST 500
August 5, 2008 by Richard Quick · Leave a Comment
FranWorst 500: The Best of the Worst Franchise & Distributorship Opportunities
iSTOLE It eBay auction franchise
Budget Brides Love 4 Less
Meal Assembly & Botox Kitchen Look your best. Cook your best. (TM)
Shit Creek Paddle Store Retail sales & rental franchise
Enviro-Ad Environmental product placement franchise (Formerly Mr. Litter)
Cold Stone Pizza Pizza delivery franchise
STARBUSKJ Cofe ‘N’ RoP (video) Favorite franchise of exiled president Baduchka
BELIEVE The Movie (video) Multi-level MLM Network marketing goldmine
Richard Quick’s GRATE FUN! Adventure Park
Pet Funeral Home & Crematorium
AMAZING CONES PIZZA IN A CONE Franchise!
Wang Balls Squidballs Franchise!
A-Maizing Japanese Corn Franchise!
Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy & Cheese Franchise
GRATE FUN! Adventure Park Franchise
MOB HITZ Hit Man Franchise
Richard Quick, Esq.’s Famous 101+ Ways to GET RICH QUICK!
1. Waffle Delivery & Repair
2. Nudes ‘N Foods Franchise
3. The FOR SALE Bologna Brown-Eggs Quilts Crafts Cheese Flowers Pernnials franchise
4. The Town Crier Franchise
5. Be a Buccaneer Butcher!
6. Clean BJs & Weiners!
7. The Mr. Bagpipe Franchise
8. Start your own Church!
9. Old Barn Wood Furniture and Crafts
10. Peculiar Medical Clinic
11. Home Pasta Delivery
12. Become a Marketing Consultant!
13. Big Money in Midgets
14. Own a BetaMax Superstore!
15. Amish Country Signs Franchise
16. Make Luggage from Tape!
17. Start a Home Casino!
18. Turn Trash into Cash!
19. Unlock Windows of Opportunity
20. The ultimate booming business
21. Fungus “R” Us Toenail Fungal abatement
22. Mona Leasing Art Rental Franchise
23. Pseudodental Repair Franchise
24. Sell Dehydrated Water
25. Open an “As Seen in Motels” discount store
26. Open a Sundae Station franchise
27. Market “Afterlife Telegrams”
28. Win International Lotteries!
29. Assist Nigerian Millionaire Widows & Orphans
30. Sell your Immortal Soul!
31. Import Gourmet Minnesota Coconuts!
31.5: REALLY OUTRAGEOUS:
32. Sell Freeze Pops With REAL Shards O’ Glass
33. Sell Trendy Male Lipstick
34. Start a Home Lasik Surgery Center
35. Start your own Pet Island!
36. Sell Child Confinement & Transport Products
37. Sell Peace of Mind
38. Sell immortality. That’s right. IMMORTALITY!
39. Sell Doggy Eyewear!
40. Become a Lip Balm Addiction Counselor
41. Buy a Mooncake, Meatfloss & CuttleFish Franchise
42. Open an Alter Ego Rehabilitation Clinic
43. Sell Snake Penis Capsules Medicine
44. San Francisco Sausage Co. & Fudge Packery
45. Open a Squat ‘n Gobble Restaurant!
46. DAPZY’s! The Dangerous Animal Petting Zoo
47. The Big Green Mystical Ball
48. Become a Happy Hooker!
49. Open a Bette Davis BBQ Joint!
50. Open a Gun Store Tattoo Parlor
51. Sell HandJobs!
52. Sell FUELISH! Top Secret Gasoline Booster!
53. Sell Gently War-Torn Real Estate!
54. Flip No-Dinar-Down Properties!
55. Sell Frozen Meats. They’re endangered!
56. Sell AutoErotic Asphyxia Accessories
57. Open a Christian Dollar Store!
58. Rent Negroes for Big $$$$$
59. Human Caviar: The Next Big Craze!
60. Buy/Sell Black Market Babies, Pandas & Tigers.
61. Provide Primate Temp Tech Workers.
62. Become a Memory Erasure Intake Counselor.
63. Help Parents Create Perfect Children.
64. Build Corpses for Fun & Profit.
65. Or Become a Corpse Reseller.
66. Open a Brain Transplant Clinic…
67. Become a Deep Discount Travel Agent!
68. Sell delicious “PISS” (It’s imported!)
69. Become a Cheezus Freak!
70. Sell Republican Clothing
71. Sell Cute Lil Fetuses
72. EZ TOYZ = EZ CASH!!!
73. Be a Cavie Costumer!
74. No-Money Down Iraqi Real Estate
75. Friendly Fire Fast Funds Franchise!
76. Sell UFO Abduction Insurance!
77. Sell Cow Pie Clocks
78. Sell Penis Birds
79. Sell Penis Clowns
80. Become a Rectal Exam Trainer!
81. Start an Anti-Currency Movement!
82. Become a Contract Killer!
83. Sell Innovative Fruit Carriers
84. Sell Yarmulkebras!(TM)
85. Rent Your Chest!
86. Sell Vulva Puppets!
87. Sell Nipple Stifflers
88. Start an Ultimate Taxi Service!
89. Become an Etch-a-Sketch Artist!
90. Sue your employer!
91. Magic Money Matrix as seen on OPRAH!
92. Shit Creek Paddle Store Franchise
93. Start a Band called Sand Dollar
94. AdVerPets NewMedia Franchise
95. Automated Bovid Dispensers Franchise
96. Start a Bumvertising Agency
97. LOOK RICH QUICK! The Franchise
98. Learn Exotic Dancing at home!
99. Sell ANALRETTES Smoking Alternative
100. Sell Inflatable Commander-in-Chiefs
101. Sell Friendly Fire Ammo… Like Snuffy!
102. Sell Lunar Advertising!
103. Sell EnviroAd Product Placement
104. Sell DIY Drunk Tests!
105. Own the Pet Funeral Home & Crematorium of Your Dreams
106. AMAZING CONES PIZZA IN A CONE Franchise!
107. Wang Balls Squidballs Franchise!
108. A-Maizing Japanese Corn Franchise!
109. Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy & Cheese Franchise
110. GRATE FUN! Adventure Park Franchise
111. ChineseBaby.Com
112. MOB HITZ Hit Man Franchise
113. SHIT CREEK PADDLE STORE FRANCHISE
114. Darn Good Sock Repair
115. Eternal Ascent Cremation Dispersal
116. Starbuskj Cofe & Rop Franchise
117. Joe Weiner’s Mail Order Brides Franchise
118. Wholly Crap Dog Doo Removal Franchise
119. Cheezus Industries Religious Cheese Sculpture Dist.
120. Wealth Thru Window Washing
121. Smelly Restroom Abatement Franchise
122. Hemp Sisters: Clothes You Can Smoke!
123. Start a Swinger’s Club!
124. The “No Soup for You!” Franchise
125. Jesus-Is-Lord Escort Service
126. MetroNaps Napping Pod Franchise
127. Big Money Playing with HorseBalls!
128. Start an Exotic Dancer Ministry!
129. Become a Pro Hair Stylist for $59.95
130. Get in on the Mummification Boom!
131. Get God is in Your Upline! Heavenly MLM
132. Hot Product Alert: Pork & Beanie Babies!
133. CyberTan: The World’s First Internet Tanning Salon!
134. HOT PRODUCT: Gasoline Supersoaker
135. HOT PRODUCT: Baby Grenade. Pull the pacifier & throw!
136. Big PILE O’ PIGS franchise
137. Quixtar!!! (Different from AMWAY!!!)
138. Trunk Monkey Security Systems
Why aren’t you rich yet? Check back tomorrow for more great opportunities.
iSTOLE It: Opening Windows of Opportunity
July 21, 2008 by Richard Quick · 3 Comments
iSTOLE It combines the selling power of eBay auctions with our unique, no-cost inventory acquisition system to unlock multiple window(s) of opportunity for YOU!
The power of eBay. Online auctions aren’t just for Nigerian advance fee fraud, counterfeit Gucci handbags and Virgin Mary-shaped grilled cheese sandwiches anymore! eBay’s become the premiere global pipeline for easy liquidation of valuable merchandise… such as your ex-wife’s Rolex, your neighbor’s lawnmower and that missing gold chalice from St. Anthony’s.
Low cost of goods? Try NO cost of goods. eBay drop-off store franchises like iSold It*, Snappy
Auctions and AuctionMeElmo lack a steady source of valuable merchandise. With the proprietary iSTOLE It inventory acquisition system, everyone wins! Homeowners get cash for their valuable items. Insurance companies gain customer appreciation and an excuse to raise their premiums. And YOU gain a nondescript warehouse filled with items consumers want… and want back.
Get in on the ground floor and move up! iSTOLE It is a great entry level opportunity. Many of our ISI franchisees from living in small apartments to The Big House in no time! And many who started with iSTOLE It now also own such franchises as Pruno Prison Wine and H&R Cell BLOCK.
See you on the veranda!
Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.
For more great franchise opportunities, visit the FRANWORST 500
* iSTOLE It is not affiliated with any other company, living or dead. Resemblance to actual companies is entirely coincidental. iSTOLE It is void where prohibited by law. iSTOLE It is intended for medical and/or novelty purposes only. Suing us is strictly prohibited.
BUDGET BRIDES: Love 4 Less!
July 20, 2008 by Richard Quick · 3 Comments
Welcome to Budget Brides: The mail order brides 4 less franchise!
Dating, Matchmaking, Singles, Foreign Brides. Wives. Meet eligible women from the Poland, USSR, Singapore, Zimbabwe, Alabama and other places even worse than where you live.
Would you love to have a young, beautiful foreign bride whose limited English and fear of being deported to her impoverished war-torn, 3rd world country makes her worship the ground you walk on? We bet you do! But let’s face it: You’re Assistant to the Assistant Manager at Wizno’s Subs. Your penthouse suite is Aunt Ida’s attic. And that just ain’t gonna happen, now is it?
But untie that noose… because you can have the next-best thing! Thanks to Budget Brides Love-for-Less you can find companionship with actual females with names like Tatiana, Natasha and Olga… just like the full-price foreign brides on the legitimate-looking websites. And, yes, they take Mastercard. Check out a few of this week’s bargains:
A Jezebel with Decibels: Oksana is ready – and priced – to move!
Oksana, whose name means one who laughs like blaating sheep, loves show tunes, big hats, feather boas, “Sweating to the Oldies” videos, collecting Precious Memories figurines, and 18 other practices deemed unacceptable by her government. Their loss (and willingness to pay all transportation costs and deportation-related expenses) can be your gain… especially if you’ve suffered hearing loss or are mildly delusional! Oksana is just the one to perk up your quiet, boring household with the sound of music, dance, and indescribable but endearing shrieklike sounds of her own creation. You’ll get more for your money, because Oksana never sleeps!
Harmless when medicated
Meet lovely Lily. She’s young. Beautiful. Spirited. And completely harmless when properly medicated.
You won’t need an alarm or attack dog with this lovely vixen in the house, as she is trained in three forms of martial arts and even served in her previous regime’s Secret Police! Despite a slight history of explosive and violent outbursts, Miss Lily is gentle as a purring tiger when she’s taken her meds. She loves children, is a skilled interrogater and extraordinary rendition specialist, and, in exchange for her cooperation, has been officially cleared of all war crimes charges.
Opportunity seeker: We have looked into your future and have some important information for you. Click the button to the left, answer the easy (even for you) questions and receive your message from the future. Don’t sit there… get clicking!
Could you put a smile on this face?
Meet Tatyana, an excellent ukrainian cook with low self esteem and bad skin.
Tatayana’s agoraphobia and limited English make her a perfect companion for the stay-at-home bachelor, the bedridden single or the perp on house arrest with an electronic monitoring device on his ankle.
Says coy Tatyana about the prospect of finding her soulmate in America: “OK.”
She’s not that into men, and not that into the idea of marriage, but let’s face it: you’re in no position to be choosy. If she were hot with even a mildly pleasant demeanor, you’d never even have a shot at her, would you? Would you?
Budget Brides: Not your best choice… your only choice.
For mail order brides, foreign wives, hot international singles, eligible bachelors and bachelorettes, dating advice, singles hook-ups, matchmaking worldwide, dating and trysts on a beer budget, Budget Brides is not only your best choice, it’s your only choice.
Not earning to your potential? Become a Budget Brides franchise broker today!
Get Rich Quick With the Wang Balls Squidballs Franchise!
February 24, 2008 by Richard Quick · 1 Comment
(FranWorst) Do you have the balls it takes to Get Rich Quick? You do now… with the Richard Quick, Esq.-endorsed Wang Balls Squidballs franchise! Be the first one in your mall foodcourt to meet the rising needs for fresh hot Squidballs, with a taste that only Wang Balls Squidballs can provide… Just like Uncle Yang from the old country used to make!
WANG BALLS SQUIDBALLS
FRANCHISE FEE P 50,000
FRANCHISE PACKAGE:
Cart
SuperKalan
Showcase Cabinet
Utensils
Initial Inventory worth P2,000
Operations Manual
Pre-Opening Assistance
FREE Training of Crew
FREE Delivery of stocks
Remember, if it doesn’t say WANG BALLS SQUIDBALLS, it’s not Wang Balls Squidballs, the official Squidballs of the Wang Balls Squidballs stand outside the gate of Shotput Row at the Beijing Olympics.
Order now and get a FREE SuperKalan with payment of your low P 50,000 Franchise Fee. Source: Metrofoodcart
SHIT CREEK PADDLE STORE FRANCHISES AVAILABLE!
July 17, 2007 by Richard Quick · 6 Comments
Shit Creek Paddle Store Franchises now available!
You’ve been there before.
Heck, maybe you’re there now!
And with your firsthand experience with misfortune, you know that when you’re up Shit Creek without a paddle, you’ll pay whatever it takes.
Well now you can be on the winning side of things for once… as the owner of your very own Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise!
Not sure if a franchise is right for your future?
Don’t take a chance. Ask the Sexy Psychic if the Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise is right for you.
That’s right, get a free psychic reading from the voluptuous Ms. Sara Freder. She knows you want to.
The Sexy Psychic:
Disclaimer: This is not an offer of a Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise. An offer of a Shit Creek Paddle Store franchise is available by prospectus only. We cannot guarantee results or happiness. We cannot guarantee that even your oldest friends will not resent you once you are unimaginably wealthy from this or other Franworst brand franchise opportunities. Get rich at your own risk.
Be a Trunk Monkey Security System Distributor!
February 24, 2007 by Richard Quick · 1 Comment
Americans spend more on their cars than on their own children… and rightly so. And they’ll spare no expense to keep their valued automobiles safe. Now you can GET RICH QUICK! selling aftermarket Trunk Monkey Security Systems to car owners in your area.
Introduction to BELIEVE. Greatest Opportunity EVER!
February 11, 2007 by Richard Quick · 2 Comments
Do you want to get rich beyond your wildest dreams? All you’ve got to do is learn about MLM, aka direct sales, aka multi-level marketing and… BELIEVE!
I am proud to share with you another success story from one of my many multimillionaire progidies: Mark Fuller, Founder of BELIEVE. No doubt by following the principles of my GET RICH QUICK! and Millionaire Mindset Cassette, VHS and book series, Mark Fuller has built BELIEVE into one of the most successful peer-to-peer interactive vertically aligned retail cooperatives in America!
BELIEVE is changing lives so powerfully that it’s even the subject of an upcoming movie. BELIEVE is an honest, straightforward program and hence the movie has an honest, straightforward, no-nonsense name: BELIEVE THE MOVIE. It comes as no surprise that the website for BELIEVE THE MOVIE also has an honest, straightforward, no nonsense URL: BelieveTheMovie.Com.
Want to get rich beyond your wildest dreams. All you need to do is BELIEVE. And to click on the PLAY button.
The Wave of the Future: Dehydrated Water!
February 15, 2006 by Richard Quick · 1 Comment
Dehydrated water:
It’s pure.
All natural.
Environmentally friendly.
Refreshing.
Compact and easy-to-store.
It’s the most exciting new product since the microwave fireplace.
It’s nature’s soft drink, new and improved.
It’s dehydrated water.
And now, through the buydehydratedwater.com franchise program, it’s also a great business opportunity.
I was student teaching at the University of Nigeria years ago when I first heard rumors about renegade scientists conducting late-night water dehydration experiments.
We dismissed them as rural legends, the ramblings of madmen, no more plausible than unicorns, platypi or trivia questions printed on Pringles.
Now the once-ridiculed geeks, raking in millions from their buydehydratedwater.com, are probably surfing water-free waves and catching solar-free rays on the shores of Black Rock Playa.
If I can find the website address of buydehydratedwater.com, I will post it in coming weeks so that you may try a free sample…
Catch this wave, wealthseekers.
