Pre-dawn raid cracks “largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.”

Leola, PA In a massive crackdown on what’s been called an epidemic of new “lifestyle” business opportunity scams, the FTC* has filed suit against the 150,000 members of the Amish community for running what they declare is the largest illegal franchise and pyramid scheme in world history.

According to FTC Director of Consumer Protection Amanda Linn: “Project ‘Going Buggy’ is the culmination of many month’s of intense inter-departmental cooperation and coordination. We have launched a multi-prong, multi-state attack on a business opportunity scam that is sweeping this nation in epidemic proportions.”

Clandestine “Chow Chow Labs” Uncovered; Quilt stash seized.

According to Linn, the target of their sting operation is a well-organized group operating under various names, including “The Amish,” “The Old Order Amish,” or “The Plain People.” Group members are recognizeable by their plain, handmade clothing, their all-black horse and buggies and their refusal to conform to use of modern conveniences such as automobiles and electricity. In settlements in Lancaster County, PA and Holmes County, OH, the Amish reportedly generate billions of dollars making and selling quilts, wood furniture, apple butter, ‘shoofly pies’, baked goods and a variety of strange relishes manufactured in underground facilities called “Chow Chow labs.”

“For years the Amish have been profiting from a business network that requires a standardized appearance, uniform, strict operating procedures, and the payment of fees and, in some cases, vegetables, into a centralized fund. That’s the very definition of a franchise,“ according to Linn. Franchise entities are required to conform to the FTC’s Franchise Rule, which includes written disclosure of the terms of the agreement, providing names and addresses of all corporate officers and franchisees, and a prohibition against making any return-on-investment promises.

Widespread “Churnings Claims” Alleged.

The FTC charges that unsuspecting participants were duped into conforming to the Amish franchise program literally from birth. Prospective Amish franchisees were subjected to long “church services,” lasting 3-5 hours in duration, in which they were promised spiritual riches in the afterlife if they followed Amish procedures. According to the FTC, all references to profit potential, spiritual or otherwise, must be properly disclosed as an Earnings Claim in Item 19 of a properly prepared Uniform Franchise Offering Circular (UFOC) document. Amish recruiters are alleged to have made widespread “Churnings Claims,” offering promises of austerity and discomfort to their recruits.

The FTC alleges that unwitting franchisees attended an 18-year training program, were issued an extensive operations manual ( “Holy Bible’) and were regularly inspected by operations reps (known as “Bishops”). The Amish members were prohibited from using modern plumbing or appliances or from operating their business on Sundays. Additionally, they were forced to contribute to community relief funds, to make and deliver hot dishes to sick neighbors and to work without pay at communal “barn-raisings.”In a pre-dawn raid, Federal officers descended on Amish fields, dairy barns and roadside stands in Intercourse and Bird-in-Hand, PA, and Nappanee and Farmerstown, OH. Assets and evidence seized in the raid included mattresses stuffed with cash, butter churns, milking stools, plows, carpentry devices, several trays of whoopie pies, bales of a suspicious hemp-like substance and a dog named Spooner. Over a dozen buggies were impounded.

Suspects were immediately required to relinquish their traditional Amish garb (including beards) as evidence, and were given, in exchange, tropical beachware generously donated by the Tommy Bahama company.

Operation “Going Buggy” Continues.

More federal seizures are sure to come in the FTC’s Operation ‘Going Buggy’.” According to Linn, “The Amish seemed almost relieved. Their living conditions were deplorable: no phone, no lights, no motor car. Not a single luxury. Children ran barefoot and fished from creeks without proper tackle. They still used push mowers. They had no television, much less Playstation 2 or xBox. As one young Amish child I interviewed said ‘It’s like being grounded… all of the time.’”

* Clarification: The FTC in this story stands for Fictional Trade Commission, and is in no way affiliated with the legitimate and venerable Federal agency that shares its initials. In fact, anything or anyone else anywhere at any time is entirely coincidental.

PHOTO CREDIT: The Electric Amish. Used by Permission. Visit the Electric Amish Website. Buy their CD awhile.

Featured Franchise & Distributorship Opportunities

New:

iSTOLE It: Opening Windows of Opportunity

Meal Assembly & Botox Kitchen Franchise

Richard Quick’s GRATE FUN! Adventure Park

Darn Good Sock Repair.

Pet Funeral Home & Crematorium
AMAZING CONES PIZZA IN A CONE Franchise!
Wang Balls Squidballs Franchise!
A-Maizing Japanese Corn Franchise!
Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy & Cheese Franchise
GRATE FUN! Adventure Park Franchise
MOB HITZ Hit Man Franchise
SHIT CREEK PADDLE STORE FRANCHISE

Richard Quick, Esq.’s Famous 101+ Ways to GET RICH QUICK!

1. Waffle Delivery & Repair
2. Nudes ‘N Foods Franchise
3. The FOR SALE Bologna Brown-Eggs Quilts Crafts Cheese Flowers Pernnials franchise
4. The Town Crier Franchise
5. Be a Buccaneer Butcher!
6. Clean BJs & Weiners!
7. The Mr. Bagpipe Franchise
8. Start your own Church!
9. Old Barn Wood Furniture and Crafts
10. Peculiar Medical Clinic
11. Home Pasta Delivery
12. Become a Marketing Consultant!
13. Big Money in Midgets
14. Own a BetaMax Superstore!
15. Amish Country Signs Franchise
16. Make Luggage from Tape!
17. Start a Home Casino!
18. Turn Trash into Cash!
19. Unlock Windows of Opportunity
20. The ultimate booming business
21. Fungus “R” Us Toenail Fungal abatement
22. Mona Leasing Art Rental Franchise
23. Pseudodental Repair Franchise
24. Sell Dehydrated Water
25. Open an “As Seen in Motels” discount store
26. Open a Sundae Station franchise
27. Market “Afterlife Telegrams”
28. Win International Lotteries!
29. Assist Nigerian Millionaire Widows & Orphans
30. Sell your Immortal Soul!
31. Import Gourmet Minnesota Coconuts!

31.5: REALLY OUTRAGEOUS:

32. Sell Freeze Pops With REAL Shards O’ Glass
33. Sell Trendy Male Lipstick
34. Start a Home Lasik Surgery Center
35. Start your own Pet Island!
36. Sell Child Confinement & Transport Products
37. Sell Peace of Mind
38. Sell immortality. That’s right. IMMORTALITY!
39. Sell Doggy Eyewear!
40. Become a Lip Balm Addiction Counselor
41. Buy a Mooncake, Meatfloss & CuttleFish Franchise
42. Open an Alter Ego Rehabilitation Clinic
43. Sell Snake Penis Capsules Medicine
44. San Francisco Sausage Co. & Fudge Packery
45. Open a Squat ‘n Gobble Restaurant!
46. DAPZY’s! The Dangerous Animal Petting Zoo
47. The Big Green Mystical Ball
48. Become a Happy Hooker!
49. Open a Bette Davis BBQ Joint!
50. Open a Gun Store Tattoo Parlor
51. Sell HandJobs!
52. Sell FUELISH! Top Secret Gasoline Booster!
53. Sell Gently War-Torn Real Estate!
54. Flip No-Dinar-Down Properties!
55. Sell Frozen Meats. They’re endangered!
56. Sell AutoErotic Asphyxia Accessories
57. Open a Christian Dollar Store!
58. Rent Negroes for Big $$$$$
59. Human Caviar: The Next Big Craze!
60. Buy/Sell Black Market Babies, Pandas & Tigers.
61. Provide Primate Temp Tech Workers.
62. Become a Memory Erasure Intake Counselor.
63. Help Parents Create Perfect Children.
64. Build Corpses for Fun & Profit.
65. Or Become a Corpse Reseller.
66. Open a Brain Transplant Clinic…
67. Become a Deep Discount Travel Agent!
68. Sell delicious “PISS” (It’s imported!)
69. Become a Cheezus Freak!
70. Sell Republican Clothing
71. Sell Cute Lil Fetuses
72. EZ TOYZ = EZ CASH!!!
73. Be a Cavie Costumer!
74. No-Money Down Iraqi Real Estate
75. Friendly Fire Fast Funds Franchise!
76. Sell UFO Abduction Insurance!
77. Sell Cow Pie Clocks
78. Sell Penis Birds
79. Sell Penis Clowns
80. Become a Rectal Exam Trainer!
81. Start an Anti-Currency Movement!
82. Become a Contract Killer!
83. Sell Innovative Fruit Carriers
84. Sell Yarmulkebras!(TM)
85. Rent Your Chest!
86. Sell Vulva Puppets!
87. Sell Nipple Stifflers
88. Start an Ultimate Taxi Service!
89. Become an Etch-a-Sketch Artist!
90. Sue your employer!
91. Magic Money Matrix as seen on OPRAH!
92. Shit Creek Paddle Store Franchise
93. Start a Band called Sand Dollar
94. AdVerPets NewMedia Franchise
95. Automated Bovid Dispensers Franchise
96. Start a Bumvertising Agency
97. LOOK RICH QUICK! The Franchise
98. Learn Exotic Dancing at home!
99. Sell ANALRETTES Smoking Alternative
100. Sell Inflatable Commander-in-Chiefs
101. Sell Friendly Fire Ammo… Like Snuffy!
102. Sell Lunar Advertising!
103. Sell EnviroAd Product Placement
104. Sell DIY Drunk Tests!
105. Own the Pet Funeral Home & Crematorium of Your Dreams
106. AMAZING CONES PIZZA IN A CONE Franchise!
107. Wang Balls Squidballs Franchise!
108. A-Maizing Japanese Corn Franchise!
109. Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy & Cheese Franchise
110. GRATE FUN! Adventure Park Franchise
111. ChineseBaby.Com
112. MOB HITZ Hit Man Franchise
113. SHIT CREEK PADDLE STORE FRANCHISE
114. Darn Good Sock Repair
115. Eternal Ascent Cremation Dispersal
116. Starbuskj Cofe & Rop Franchise
117. Joe Weiner’s Mail Order Brides Franchise
118. Wholly Crap Dog Doo Removal Franchise
119. Cheezus Industries Religious Cheese Sculpture Dist.
120. Wealth Thru Window Washing
121. Smelly Restroom Abatement Franchise
122. Hemp Sisters: Clothes You Can Smoke!
123. Start a Swinger’s Club!
124. The “No Soup for You!” Franchise
125. Jesus-Is-Lord Escort Service
126. MetroNaps Napping Pod Franchise
127. Big Money Playing with HorseBalls!
128. Start an Exotic Dancer Ministry!
129. Become a Pro Hair Stylist for $59.95
130. Get in on the Mummification Boom!
131. Get God is in Your Upline! Heavenly MLM
132. Hot Product Alert: Pork & Beanie Babies!
133. CyberTan: The World’s First Internet Tanning Salon!
134. HOT PRODUCT: Gasoline Supersoaker
135. HOT PRODUCT: Baby Grenade. Pull the pacifier & throw!
136. Big PILE O’ PIGS franchise

137. Quixtar!!! (Different from AMWAY!!!)

138. Trunk Monkey Security Systems

Why aren’t you rich yet? Check back tomorrow for more great opportunities.

It’s what Jesus wants for you:

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EnviroAds are the next-generation of product placements, appearing right where consumers live, drive, walk and jog.

EnviroAd real-world product placements not only create unmatched reach and frequency, they provide peer validation and real-world popularity.

Here are a few images from current EnviroAd campaigns that you may recognize. After all, EnviroAds are all around you!

BEVERAGE EnviroAd Campaigns

FAST FOOD EnviroAd Campaigns

TOBACCO EnviroAd Campaigns

OTHER EnviroAd Campaigns

For more information on how EnviroAd can blanket your target markets with real-world product placements, contact Richard Quick, Esq. at richardquickesq@myway.com.

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE A POSITIVE COMMENT OR ENDORSEMENT OF EnviroAd!

CLICK TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ENVIRO-AD:

OVERVIEW: EnviroAd Environmental Advertising

IDEAL PRODUCT PLACEMENT: EnviroAd IPP

LUNAR ADVERTISING: The Sky’s No longer the limit… With EnviroAd Lun.E

CASE STUDY: EnviroAd Puts KFC on the MOON!

A. Please, call me Millionaire.

Frequently asked questions about the FRANWORST Franchise Program

Q. Mr. Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., what will I actually DO as a FRANWORST franchisee?

A. Please, call me Millionaire. To state it simply, you will succeed.

We will find the little ember of potential that has remained hidden so deep and out of sight for so long that many doubt it even exists. Through the wind of opportunity generated by the entrepreneurial fan of our franchise program, that ember will glow, and brighten and flare and soon will be a raging bonfire of success that will be blinding to all those around you!

Q. Wow! That’s wonderful! But I meant, what, specifically, is the business I will be in. What kind of work will I do? How will I make money?

A. Good questions, all. You’re a smart cookie asking the tough questions. Good for you! Unfortunately, Federal franchise laws prohibit us from disclosing any information that would enable you to make an informed decision. However, once you have signed our binding franchise agreement and your check has cleared, all will be revealed.

Q. I understand that at our first face-to-face meeting you must give us our legal agreements to review, and that the law says we can’t sign the agreement for ten business days after that.

A. You’re partially right. How it works is that we send you the legal documents ten days before we meet, and you send us a signed receipt. The documents will be in an envelope that you must keep sealed. No peeking! We then open the envelope at our meeting and you can sign up on the spot.

Q. Why is there a ten-day waiting period?

A. In the early days of franchising, there were some dishonest people who are now dead. It seems that some unscrupulous buyers tricked unsuspecting franchise salesmen into letting them sign up without giving the salespeople time to mull it over. The ten days gives the salesperson some time to consider whether the buyer is worthy.

Q. Rich, honey… I’m sending Consuela to the store. Do you need anything?

A. We’re running low on bourbon. And scotch.

Q. My Uncle Elgar says that we should research your company thoroughly and interview all your franchisees. Uncle Elgar was a successful businessman in the Old Country and seems to know about these things.

A. What your Uncle Elgar doesn’t understand is that impulsive, ill-conceived ideas and rash actions are what made America great. Next time your uncle butts into your business, say: “Hey, Uncle Elgar. This ain’t the Old Country.”

Q. But Uncle Elgar says…

A. But Uncle Elgar says… Listen, we know all about your Uncle Elgar. He’s a communist and has been linked to several terrorist groups. He’s under surveillance by the government right now. If you follow his advice, they’ll figure you must be a terrorist too.

Q. The FRANWORST franchise opportunity sounds too good to be true! Am I dreaming?

A. Opportunities too good to be true don’t come along that often, but I’m proud to say, yes, the FRANWORST franchise opportunity IS too good to be true! That’s why we’re the hottest new trend that’s sweeping the country!

Q. Will the FRANWORST franchise program make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?

A. How wild are your dreams?

Q. A little bird told me that you’re developing a line of FRANWORST Flash-in-the-Pan themed clothing, including a hat shaped like a frying pan that emits real flames.

A. Damn those little birds. I thought we had poisoned them. Yes, we are testing a confidential prototype called the Pan-A-Ma Hat™ that could be another profit center for you. Tests will resume once our R&D Director’s condition is upgraded to “stable.”

Q. Do you really expect me to believe that because it’s a franchise, I’m going to be successful?

A. Yes.

Q. OK

Q. Can the FRANWORST franchise program really make me a multi-millionaire?

A. What can I say? It worked for me!

The power of eBay. Online auctions aren’t just for Nigerian advance fee fraud, counterfeit Gucci handbags and Virgin Mary-shaped grilled cheese sandwiches anymore! eBay’s become the premiere global pipeline for easy liquidation of valuable merchandise… such as your ex-wife’s Rolex, your neighbor’s lawnmower and that missing gold chalice from St. Anthony’s.

Low cost of goods? Try NO cost of goods. eBay drop-off store franchises like iSold It*, Snappy Auctions and AuctionMeElmo lack a steady source of valuable merchandise. With the proprietary iSTOLE It inventory acquisition system, everyone wins! Homeowners get cash for their valuable items. Insurance companies gain customer appreciation and an excuse to raise their premiums. And YOU gain a nondescript warehouse filled with items consumers want… and want back.

Get in on the ground floor and move up! iSTOLE It is a great entry level opportunity. Many of our ISI franchisees from living in small apartments to The Big House in no time! And many who started with iSTOLE It now also own such franchises as Pruno Prison Wine and H&R Cell BLOCK.

See you on the veranda!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.

For more great franchise opportunities, visit the FRANWORST 500

* iSTOLE It is not affiliated with any other company, living or dead. Resemblance to actual companies is entirely coincidental. iSTOLE It is void where prohibited by law. iSTOLE It is intended for medical and/or novelty purposes only. Suing us is strictly prohibited.

What people are saying about
The FIP franchise program.

“I wanted to be my own boss. To drive my own bus. To be in business for myself but not by myself. To print my own $20 bills on my own press in my basement. That didn’t turn out to be such a good idea. In nine years when I get out, I’m going to be smart and buy a FRANWORST franchise.”

Pat Roach, Lehigh Correctional Facility

“Before I discovered FRANWORST, I was nothing but a psychopathic social pariah with a multi-million dollar trust fund. Now I’m the owner of a FRANWORST franchise.”
Milton Deebler, FRANWORST franchisee

“I’m Lance McBoyle. You may know me from such franchise brochures as Billion Dollar Babies, Smash ‘N Grab and Scumbusters International. As a leading franchisee impersonator, I’ve seen a lot of opportunities in my day. I’m here to say that the FRANWORST franchises are definitely among them.”

Lance McBoyle, Franchisee Impersonator

Our franchise is like a big family. Only better.

The FRANWORST franchise support team is like a family, only much better.
No mind-numbing family holidays.
No guilt trips.
No parental disappointment at how you turned out.
No Uncle Elgar from the Old Country.
And no attendance at weddings with cheap bar booze and an out-of-tune band that hasn’t quite mastered the hokey pokey.

Start-up Support. Our system is designed to get you started in your hot new business as fast as humanly possible, sometimes faster. You can be up and running in as few as 5-7 days if you pay by check, and instantly if you pay by VISA, Mastercard, American Express, Diner’s Club, Discover, gold coins, cash or negotiable bonds.

Ongoing Support: With the FRANWORST franchise program, you are truly in business FOR yourself, but not BY yourself. You’re up the creek, but WITH a paddle. You’re screwed and blued, but not tattooed. And remember, when you are a member of the FRANWORST franchise family, our answering machine is always just a phone call away.

Just-Blame-Us™ ScapeGoat™ Program: When things go wrong, independent business owners have no one to blame but themselves. But FRANWORST franchisees have us to blame! Templated complaints include: “Royalties too high!” “Not enough support!” “Too much support!” “Why don’t you… oh, you did? Well, still…” Whining can be submitted 24 hours a day, 365 days a year by using our 1-900 Whineline, Fax-A-Whine or E-whine Online email programs. Our state-of-the-art call center ensures that all complaints are promptly disregarded within minutes of submission.

Does it burn you up to see your old high school classmates starting exciting high-risk ventures while you’re suffocating in the stifling world of bi-weekly paychecks, paid vacations, comprehensive health benefits and profit-sharing?

Well maybe it’s time you stopped your pathetic whining and jumped out of fire of discontent and into the frying pan of business ownership… through one of our FRANWORST Franchise Programs!

You’ll be part of the hot new trend: FRANWORST franchises are ground-floor opportunities that put you on the cutting edge of a revolutionary new trend and enables you to harness the most sophisticated emerging technology to meet the needs of today’s time-starved and cash-rich consumers.

You can be part of the hot new trend… from home! There’s no need to rent expensive office space to be part of the hot new trend. FRANWORST home-based franchises let you enjoy your business weekdays and weekends, day and night, even through suppertime. And because many FRANWORST franchises are home-based, your family will be part of the hot new trend as well!

You can tell your boss: “Bite me. I’m part of the hot new trend.” Mother said, “Never burn your bridges.” That’s because Mother was never part of the hot new trend. She never felt the satisfaction and unfettered glee that total bridge-burning brings. But you can.

Tell the neighbors: “I’m part of the hot new trend and you’re not.” When the neighbors see the new BMW in your driveway and the new Grecian Marbelite fountain and Koi pond you just installed, they’ll be buzzing: “Didn’t you hear? She’s part of the hot new trend!”

Best yet: Your friends won’t be part of the hot new trend: The same cellphone-toting, online shopping smarty-pants’s who looked down on you for using AOL for email and BLOGGER for your recipe blog will be sucking up big-time when you’re part of the hot new trend. Can we be part of the hot new trend too? they’ll plead. And you can say, No, sorry, it’s too exclusive. Or, better yet, you can sell them a franchise and collect a nice fat commission at their expense!

PEOPLE LIE BUT NUMBERS DON’T!

Consider this: industry demand for the goods and services you’ll sell as a FRANWORST franchise owner reached a record $2 zillion last quarter, and were growing at a brisk rate of 624% Industry experts agree that sales will break one bazillion, no, two bazillion by next month and some believe sales could top ten gazillion shortly after that¹.

¹ Source: industry experts

All trends indicate you should give us your money.
If you’re shopping for the hottest opportunity, don’t be fooled by so-called “hot new concepts,” or even “really hot new concepts.” FRANWORST franchises, providing genuine “hottest new concepts,” provide an average of 56% more growth potential than “hot new concepts,” and 33% more opportunity than “really hot new concepts.” In fact, if you join our franchise family by the end of this month, you’ll receive a free “hottest new trend” welcome kit that includes an additional 10% of opportunity and a colorful foam frisbee emblazoned with the FRANWORST logo.

If it says “Franchise,” your success is assured.

Franchising. The U.S. Department of Commerce called it “The Wave of the Future.”¹ Franchising now accounts for $20 gazillion annually. By the year 2121, it is estimated that over 99c of every retail dollar will be spent in a franchised establishment. According to the International Franchise Association, the average single family dwelling will contain 3 full franchise units and 1 Starbucks kiosk by 2122. People of Earth: Resistance is futile.

Why do franchises have a better than 100% success rate while independent business start-ups end in financial ruin, despair and bloodletting after only 20 minutes? ² We’re not sure, but some guy used these statistics in an ad in 1978 and attributed them to the Department of Commerce, so we all quote him.

1 In accordance with a court order, the full context of the Department of Commerce quote is hereby disclosed: “…Franchising is The Wave of The Future, washing over an inane populace who gurgle and choke on their own self-deception like so much seawater…”

² Source: Some guy’s ad, 1978.

]]> http://www.franworst.com/2008/07/20/god-doesnt-make-losers-so-why-are-you-living-like-one/feed/ http://www.franworst.com/2008/07/20/qa-with-millionaire-richard-quick-esq/ http://www.franworst.com/2008/07/20/qa-with-millionaire-richard-quick-esq/#comments Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:18:37 +0000 FranWorst http://www.franworst.com/?p=449 Q&A with Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.

Q. Mr. Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., what will I actually DO as a FRANWORST franchisee?

A. Please, call me Millionaire.

Q. Mr. Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq., what will I actually DO as a FRANWORST franchisee?

A. Please, call me Millionaire. To be direct, you will succeed. You will find the little ember of potential that has remained hidden so deep and out of sight for so long that many doubt it even exists. Through the wind of opportunity generated by the entrepreneurial fan of our franchise program, that ember will glow, and brighten and flare and soon will be a raging bonfire of success that will be blinding to all those around you!

Q. Wow! That’s wonderful! But I meant, what, specifically, is the business I will be in. What kind of work will I do? How will I make money?

A. Good questions, all. Unfortunately, Federal franchise laws prohibit us from disclosing any information that would enable you to make an informed decision. However, once you have signed our binding franchise agreement and your check has cleared, all will be revealed.

Q. I understand that at our first face-to-face meeting you must give us our legal agreements to review, and that the law says we can’t sign the agreement for ten business days after that.

A. You’re partially right. How it works is that we send you the legal documents ten days before we meet, and you send us a signed receipt. The documents will be in an envelope that you must keep sealed. No peeking! We then open the envelope at our meeting and you can sign up on the spot.

Q. Why is there a ten-day waiting period?

A. In the early days of franchising, there were some dishonest people who are now dead. It seems that some unscrupulous buyers tricked unsuspecting franchise salesmen into letting them sign up without giving the salespeople time to mull it over. The ten days gives the salesperson some time to consider whether the buyer is worthy.

Q. I’m sending Consuela to the store. Do you need anything?

A. We’re running low on bourbon. And scotch.

Q. My Uncle Elgar says that we should research your company thoroughly and interview all your franchisees. Uncle Elgar was a successful businessman in the Old Country and seems to know about these things.

A. What your Uncle Elgar doesn’t understand is that impulsive, ill-conceived ideas and rash actions are what made America great. Next time your uncle butts into your business, say: “Hey, Uncle Elgar. This ain’t the Old Country.”

Q. But Uncle Elgar says…

A. But Uncle Elgar says… Listen, we know all about your Uncle Elgar. He’s a communist and has been linked to several terrorist groups. He’s under surveillance by the government right now. If you follow his advice, they’ll figure you must be a terrorist too.

Q. The FRANWORST franchise opportunity sounds too good to be true! Am I dreaming?

A. Opportunities too good to be true don’t come along that often, but I’m proud to say, yes, the FRANWORST franchise opportunity IS too good to be true! That’s why we’re the hottest new trend that’s sweeping the country!

Q. Will the FRANWORST franchise program make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?

A. How wild are your dreams?

Q. A little bird told me that you’re developing a line of FRANWORST Flash-in-the-Pan themed clothing, including a hat shaped like a frying pan that emits real flames.

A. Damn those little birds. I thought we had poisoned them. Yes, we are testing a confidential prototype called the Pan-A-Ma Hat™ that could be another profit center for you. Tests will resume once our R&D Director’s condition is upgraded to “stable.”

Q. Do you really expect me to believe that because it’s a franchise, I’m going to be successful?

A. Yes.

Q. OK

Q. Can the FRANWORST franchise program really make me a multi-millionaire?

A. What can I say? It worked for me!