Ponzi’s Coffee Burns Starbuck’s, Introduces Total Service Franchise

(FRANWORST.COM) Beloved millionaire and bestselling author Richard Quick, Esq. announced today that extensive prototype testing has been successfully completed, and the innovative Ponzi’s Coffee Total Service concept is ready for franchising.

Referring to bitter (literally) rival Starbucks, Quick quipped, “Once again, [Starbucks CEO] Howie Schultz is left chewing my coffee grounds.”

Earlier this week, Howard Schultz announced Starbucks plan to see if they could get away with making their customers pour their own coffee. Said Schultz, “Our innovative team at Starbucks asked: ‘If Americans are stupid enough to pay $4 for 9 cents worth of scorched coffee, what else can we make them do?’”

[Photo, right: Ponzi’s Coffee Total Service franchise prototype. photo credit: doctorhandshake)

Ponzi’s Coffee: Innovators in Customer Neglect

Schultz was visibly upset when he learned that his arch-rival Ponzi’s Coffee & nemesis Richard Quick, Esq. had upstaged him once again. Hours later, Quick unveiled the Ponzi’s Coffee Total Service concept, which takes the burgeoning concept of customer neglect to a new level. “Ponzi’s Coffee Total Service kiosks not only pour a variety of premium coffee for discriminating customers, they also drink it, digest it, and urinate the fully processed beverage in less than a minute. In fact, all the customer has to do is insert their money through the slot in the door. And leave.”

Ponzi’s Coffee is actively awarding franchises to qualified individuals who want to be in business FOR someone, but not FOR themselves. Qualified applicants must be capable of wire-transferring a refundable $39,500 franchise fee by midnight tonight, then going away quietly.

Gourmet Coffee Competitor’s Fire Back

Howard Schultz of Starbucks was not available for comment, was not receiving visitors, and was “under observation” after hearing the news.

A spokesperson for STARBUSKJ Cofe ‘N’ ROP fired back that “Ponzi’s Coffee was NOT the favorite franchise of late EXILED ex-president Baduchka (HOJ!!) and NOT the only Slovenian coffee and rope shop to give free monkeyfist with every order!”

Photo Credit: doctorhandshake
License: creative commons

IT CAN’T FAIL, HONEY. IT’S A FRANCHISE!

As I was supervising, belittling and chastizing the laborers as they tore up my southern Italian marble foyer and installed a new northern Italian marble floor for no discernable reason, I thought about you and the inner millionaire within you. I told my undocumented workers about you, and how, by investing in a FranWorst franchise opportunity you’d have nothing to lose but your view of the poverty line, your kids’ disdain and your wife’s growing suspicion that she made a big, big mistake. I’d really like to show you that foyer, but my security chief advises against interior photographs. Hey… Why don’t you and your family come by for a drink after the wire transfer?

See you on the veranda,

RQ

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