An Interview with Bloggasm’s Simon Owens

RQ: What do you admire most about Richard Quick, Esq.? Is it his wealth? Good looks? Power? Positive outlook? Animal magnetism? Willingness to give back to the Great Unwashed? Technical blogging prowess?

Simon Owens: I think it’s the fact that your last name is Quick. How convenient is that, that the person who would go on to write a Get Rich Quick blog would actually be named Quick? It’s like the gods wanted you to be rich.

RQ: If you could have but one of my personal traits, which would it be, and why?

Simon Owens: Your affinity for being the most unshameful traffic whore I’ve ever met. This one time, I thought about robbing a bank and then posting about it on my blog, just so a bunch of people would link to it right before I got arrested, but I chickened out at the last minute. You, on the other hand, probably would have gone through with it?

RQ: I did, actually. Then I remembered I owned the bank. Why not buy a police scanner, wait until someone else robs a bank, then post it on your blog as if you did it. By the time they realize it’s not you, you’ll have whored their traffic. Their outrage will prompt a second wave of whored traffic. That’s the Traffic Whore Mindset (TWM) at work. Question: which of your limbs or vital organs would you give up to possess my prowess as the most unshameful traffic whore?

Simon Owens: I have this really bad callous on one of my big toe. Could that count?

RQ: Depends. How big is it? Next question: which of my Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.’s 101 Ways to Get Rich Quick! are you planning to follow to Get Rich Quick!? (or Get Rich Slow! or Get Rich At a Moderately Vigorous Pace!)

Simon Owens: 101 ways? Dude, I thought I was supposed to get rich quick. If I have to read all 101 ways, then that doesn’t seem very quick. You should shorten that list down to 10, or maybe even 1. Then it’ll be truly quick.

RQ: The correct answer was #93. You’re losing the TWM. Question: If I gave you a million dollars to donate to one of my non-profit shells, which would you choose? Please explain.

A. National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People
B. Traffic Whores Anonymous (TWA)
C. GnomeWatch International. Save the Foie Gras!
E. HAPPINISTA Movement Exposed!

Simon Owens: Definitely Traffic whores anonymous, and then I’d issue a press release saying that Simon of Bloggasm donated that million dollars in the hope that other places would link to my blog, making me the ultimate traffic whore.

RQ: Bravo! NOW you’re getting the millionaire AND traffic whore mindset!

I’d love to keep chatting with you Simon, but I’ve got a couple of naked supermodels waiting for me in the hot tub. I’d invite you to join, but no. Last question: Who’s the worst landlord you’ve ever had?

Simon Owens: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA

RQ: Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA ?

Simon Owens: Definitely. Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA.

That concludes this installment of Interviews with Richard Quick, Esq. Special thanks to Dan Carbaugh, terrible landlord in Shippensburg PA for use of the kitchen table, unfair and scurrilous business practices and for serving as today’s inspiration to college-town wannabe millionaire slumlords everywhere. See you all on the veranda! RQ

GET RICH QUICK: The Paddle Store Franchise

When we started out, we were charging people to ferry them up Shit Creek. Then we realized we could double our profits by helping them up Shit Creek for free, then charging them twice as much for a paddle. If you’re looking for a franchise with a huge potential market and a high-demand product, this is the franchise opportunity you’ve been searching for. As the saying goes, your shit has come in.

Richard Quick, Esq. is in Love!

Ever since the tragic loss of my young bride at sea, Ms. Blessing Paul, just moments after our wedding vows and transfer of her family fortune into my offshore account, it has been hard for me to even consider another woman for any purpose other than my own sexual gratification. They say that once you fall, you’ve got to mount another horse as soon as possible. And while mounting has not been a problem, nor has riding, I have not even considered anything more “stable” in the two months since I became a millionaire widower.

But all that has changed, as I am obsessed with a new love. She is curvy, fiery, and swears like a trucker being kicked by a drunken sailor. She breathes fire, speaks with forked tongue, and can skewer a blogger six ways ’til Sunday. Since she’s still married, I can’t mention her name, so I’ll just call her Ms. Chatty from I Talk too Much I know it’ll make Bitter Bitch jealous, but so what? She’s already bitter. And a bitch. She had her chance.

Ms. Chatty’s gonna be tough to land, but she’ll take her place beside me on the veranda soon. Just you wait.

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. Interviewed on Bloggasm.Com

Be sure to check out the interview with America’s most beloved Billionaire Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. on Bloggasm.Com.

You’ve got to hand it to Simon Owens of the site Bloggasm.com. He not only had the foresight to register a great domain name, but he’s slick enough to boost his content with this interview format. I’d imagine that those vainer than I would each post their own link or twenty to the fact that they’ve been interviewed by anyone, anywhere. So at least interviewees’ moms are providing steady traffic.

In addition to my interview (by far the best he’s ever done), he had three other blog entries the same day. This earns him a nomination to TWA.

Join Traffic Whores Anonymous (TWA)!

Post a comment with your blog address and a short description of your site. All that’s required for acceptance is a desire to be a better Traffic Whore. We are a non-profit group with the common goal of Whoring Traffic One Blog at a Time.

You are among fellow Traffic Whores, here. The rules are different. Self-nomination is something to be proud of. We all admit that we are powerless over obscurity, and we look to a Higher Power (Traffic) to deliver us.

TWA Members:

1. Gwen Hammond’s Upper Echelon (Nominated by Richard Quick)
2. The Soda Stand (Nominated by Richard Quick)
3. Get Rich Quick! (Nominated by Richard Quick)
4. You. Send me your Web Link and how you hoor traffic and I might give you some.
5. Bloggasm (Nominated by Richard Quick)
6. I Talk 2 Much (Nominated by Richard Quick)

Member Notes:

1. This Gwen Hammond is a divine inspiration, the Queen of Traffic Whores. There’s nothing this woman won’t do for traffic. And I mean nothing. [Note: yes, Gwen was originally in the #3 spot but she threw a fit. She is a high maintenance diva, but that’s the way with pure breds. And I did tell her she’d always be my #1 hoor.
2. This is the woman who inspired TWA. I found her blog through a Google Blog search for “Traffic Whore” and was moved by her words: “I like traffic to my blog. I could be considered a traffic whore. The more traffic, the happier I am.”
3. The original Traffic Whore. When I was at my worst, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to get traffic. When I was at my best, I got it. And since you’re here, it must be working.
4. If you’ve got a blog, yoor a hoor. You’re just not good at it, or your URL would be posted here. put your weblink in the comments & tell us how you hoor traffic. I may grant you some.
5. Simon Owens gets a nomination for his 5-question interview that builds quick easy content & links.
6. At I Talk 2 Much, blogger morons volunteer to be told they are douchebags and that no one cares about their ugly ass kids, their ugly ass pets, their ugly ass husbands, their ugly ass lives or their ugly asses. I also nominate them because I’m hopelessly in love with the sweet, demure and curvaceous Ms. Chatty.

TRAFFIC WHORES UNITE!

I am just like you, only I’m rich. Filthy rich.

If you were as rich as I am, you’d no longer have to kiss ass unless you chose to. You’d tend to be pretty blunt at times. And honest. And since everyone in American society (especially the slackers who pretend they’re against materialism because they’re too lazy or stupid to get some material) believes rich people are better than everyone else, and everyone would laugh at your jokes (however lame) and applaud your ideas (however inane), you’d find it easy to get pretty arrogant and sarcastic.

So if you had my money, odds are you’d be as arrogant, blunt & honest as I am, and no one would like you, either. But you wouldn’t give a shit.

But here’s a secret, straight from the Millionaire: You don’t have to wait until you’re rich to be honest. Or blunt. Or arrogant. Of course, you can’t be those things in public, or on the job, but you can here in the blogosphere.

Start with Honesty. Most Bloggers are worried that people are going to label them Traffic Whores, those lowlife outsiders that post on blogs and bulletin boards in the attempt to draw traffic back to their own little blogs (most of which are just as conformist, pathetic, & boring as they are.) Some try outrageous stunts or take ridiculous positions to provoke controversy. The blog community acts offended and lashes out sarcastically, or with a “just ignore them” policy… unless it works and then they laud the effort while privately seething with Envy.

Because here’s the truth: Every blogger is a closet Traffic Whore (TW), unless they are a Freaking Moron (FM). Why the hell would they be posting their BS in a public forum unless they wanted people to read it? And what’s wrong with trying to prompt people to read it?

You’re a Traffic Whore. Admit it. For once you admit it, you’re on the road to recognition. There’s no shame in being a TW, there’s only shame in being an unsuccessful TW. Let me tell you, I had a post picked up by the losers on Fark.Com and had over 30,000 hits in two days. That was fun as hell. You should see all the stupid comments by these morons who think they are so clever but are stuck in third grade: hiding in the pack, parroting jokes they see on tv and pretending they are clever but never having an original thought or taking a real stand on anything.

So why not come here, admit you’re a TW, and offer your tips and input as to how to be a successful TW without letting on to the rest of the Blogagentsia that you’re a member of TWA. Or you can nominate a Traffic Whore that you know of. You don’t have to worry… no one visits this blog. Your secret’s safe with us.

Leave a comment or send me an email (richardquickesq(at)yahoo-dot-com) to gain membership to T.W.A. Traffic Whores Anonymous.

Vegenazis are on the attack!

Vegenista Terrorists are on the Attack, America, and they want to take away your God-given right to sup on the food chain at your discretion.

Chicago has BANNED FOIE GRAS! That’s right: in a few weeks, you can be arrested for possession of foie gras! Wake up, gourmands. This is just the first step. Now, Whole Foods has banned the sale of live lobsters in their stores! They’re eyeing your butter sauce! Your eggs are next! And then your burgers!

I for one am taking a stand. They can have my grilled foie gras with cherry chutney and peppercorn brioche when they pry it from my gold, dead, and tastefully bejewelled fingers!

GET RICH QUICK: Magic Money MATRIX as seen on OPRAH!

$$$ QUICK MONEY $$$
Do You Need Extra Income? Quickly and legally?
Do you have a PayPal Account? (If not the set-up takes 10-15 minutes.)You could make up to $50,000 in one month’s time with more money coming in every month thereafter!
$50,000 in PayPal?
That’s Right… $50,000 dollars in your PayPal Account!
In my account? $50,000 dollars?
Yes. $50,000 dollars. In your account. Your PayPal Account.
But I don’t have a PayPal Account!
Get one. It takes 10-15 minutes to set up.
And I’ll get $50,000 in it?
For the love of God, yes. Let’s continue. This moneymaking opportunity WAS PROVEN ON OPRAH and this system is COMPLETELY LEGAL!!!You may have heard of this program (or one like it) on 20/20 or even in the Wall Street Journal. $10 Dollars that’s all it takes.
What about the PayPal account?
$10 and a PayPal account. That’s all it takes.
To get started just copy this whole page and past it in an e-mail to edit it.
Simply follow the instructions below and in 2 to 3 weeks, you will have as much as $50,000 dollars in your PayPal account or even more. Most people respond to this program because of the low investment ($10 dollars) and high profit. There is no limit to the income you can generate from this (you can do it over and over).
If you follow the instructions, you will reach thousands of people! Honesty, Faith, and Integrity make this system work. And the $10. Yes, yes, and the Paypal account.

Send a $5.00 dollar donation from your PayPal account to THE FIRST e-mail address on the list along with a note saying “Please add me to your list.” Now send the other $5.00 donation and an e-mail to the 5th person on the list saying:”THANK YOU, I’VE JOINED.”
DO NOT TRY TO PLACE YOURSELF IN THE LIST.

REMEMBER TO:
1) SEND a $5.00 dollar donation to the 1st e-mail address and the message “PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR LIST”
2) SEND other $5.00 donation to the 5th person and an email with the words ‘THANK YOU. I’VE JOINED”. This helps the 5th person keep track of progress of the letter and continue to send out more emails.
Here is the most recent list:
1. rquick@hotmail.com
2. richardquick@yahoo.com
3. richquick@hotmail.com
4. richardquickesq@millionaire.com
5. dickquick@yahoo.com
Now that you have paid the 1st person and 5th person and sent them both an email, a note, send $50 to each of the people at #2, #3 and #4. This is important, as each name will multiply into millions of dollars of revenue for you. The only thing left to do is to mail out at least 2000 copies of this letter. IT IS YOUR JOB AS THE 5TH PERSON ON THE LIST TO ENSURE THERE ARE AT LEAST 2000 “THANK YOU. I’VE JOINED” replies. You are the guardian of the system! Don’t fail us!

Step 6. Send whatever money you have left to the fourth (4th) person on the list. Sell anything else you own on Ebay and send that too. “Borrow” anything of value from your neighbors’ yards and garages, sell them, and send the proceeds to the first person on the list. Don’t worry! You’ll repay them a hundredfold!

THE SYSTEM WILL PLACE YOU AUTOMATICALLY IN THE MAGIC MONEY MATRIX. Soon 8,000 to 15,000 people will send you 5 dollars! Keep in mind the most you spent initially $10 DOLLARS! (Remember…….what goes around comes around) DO NOT TRY TO PUT YOURSELF ON THE LIST OR PAYPAL WILL AUTOMATICALLY NOTICE THIS AND DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT AND POSSIBLY PURSUE LEGAL ACTION , OR ISSUE AN ELECTRIC SHOCK TO YOU THROUGH YOUR COMPUTER SINCE THIS IS A LEGITIMATE PROGRAM, AND THEY ARE PART OF IT.*************************************************************
TESTIMONIALS:
Mary Gutters, Columbus, SC: I only have one thing to say to you…….OH MY FREAKIN’ GOD! I sent out 14,200 copies like the instructions said. Then I went on a short vacation. When I got back my account had over $32,000 dollars in it already and the money was still coming! I’m still floating on air (especially with my new car). I thought the Money Matrix system sounded cheesy, but now I realize it is the formula that makes this letter really work! THANKS!

Richard Farrie, Boulder, CO: I was shocked when I saw how much money came flooding into my PayPal account (you were right. I did need a PayPal account.) Within 3 weeks my account balance has ballooned to $22,449. At first I thought there had been some sort of error with my account!

Please give it an honest effort, you will not be disappointed and will be very glad you did when it starts to work. Remember, all you are going to be out of pocket is about the cost of a couple of coffees with the opportunity of banking thousands of dollars, even millions, into your PayPal account!
What’s a PayPal account?

See you on the veranda!

Richard Quick, Esq.
The Millionaire Extraordinaire

Richard Quick Wins $3.5 Million Settlement from Supercuts

(pictured: Richard Quick (center) is pictured with Deputy Director Hollis Larkins (right) and Regional Attorney Delner Franklin-Thomas (left), after signing the Settlement Agreement.)

While $3.5 million is little more than a night on the town with a few friends, I see this is as both a moral victory and an clear message as to Richard Quick’s dedication to providing full access to the sacred shrine of wealth creation, no matter what your race, color, creed, and no matter how tacky the company you work for is. Just because one child is born black, or hispanic, or Asian doesn’t mean he or she shouldn’t have as good a chance as anyone to grow up and provide cheap, shitty haircuts. Here’s an excerpt from the official EEOC press release:

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) today announced
a voluntary pre-litigation settlement of a race discrimination case against
Supercuts, Inc., a nationwide chain of hair salons based in Minneapolis,
Minn., for $3.5 million and significant remedial relief. The agreement,
obtained through EEOC’s conciliation process, resolves a charge by former [executive] Richard Quick, who claimed that Supercuts Eastern Regional Vice-President terminated him for refusing to go along with a plan to “balance the platform” by reducing the number of African Americans employed with the company. The charge also included claims that Supercuts failed to hire and promote African Americans and terminated them due to their race.
Commenting on the successful settlement, Mr. Quick stated, “I am very pleased with the outcome of EEOC’s investigation. People should not be deterred from getting or keeping a job because of the color of their skin. I am proud to have made a difference in this case.”

Go here for the full story: “Supercuts to Pay $3.5 Million for Race Bias and Train Hundreds of Managers, In EEOC Settlement.“

Liberal Media Attacks Richard Quick, Esq.!

My phone has been flooded with calls, and emails have been pouring into the press office at Quick Mansion, the NAAWP office, Green Line Real Estate and the law offices of Quick, Duhk & Hyde about a news story that appeared in Arizona and was blasted out over the Internet about the arrest of Richard Quick on theft and explosives charges.

I contacted the writer, Mirsada Buric, immediately requesting an immediate printed clarification. She was initially accomodating, sending two emails:

Sir, The reason I haven’t responded to you is because I was out of the
office until today. I will pass your concerns to my editors and it will be their
call how the paper will handle this situation.
In addition, the original article appeared in the Daily Courier, the only daily newspaper in the tri-city area, which includes Prescott, Prescott Valley and Chino Valley.
The Chino Valley Review is a weekly and is owned by the same company. That’s why my story also appeared there. Sincerely, Mirsada

Sir, After I spoke to my editors, we’ve decided that I could do a short story to clarify this matter. [Emphasis mine] However, I need to talk to you to get more information. Would you please send me your contact information other than email so I can call you. Thanks, Mirsada

I notified MS. Buric that I was offshore with spotty satellite reception, but if she could send me her direct number I would call when I had signal, and for her to send me the information she needed. I figured that we would have a satisfactory conclusion shortly.

No such luck. For then I receive this hamhanded email from Managing Editor Tim Wiederaenders. Mr. Wiederaenders obviously fancies himself Death Valley’s answer to Perry White and Woodward & Bernstein rolled into one. Perhaps he sees the besmirching of a billionaire’s reputation as his ticket out of the coyote and scorpion beat and the thriving Southwest journalism scene of Prescott, AZ.

Hello Mr. Quick:
I appreciate your willingness to call us regarding
this matter; however, I do not see that as necessary at this point.
We published in June 2006 front-page stories about the theft of explosives from
Hemphill Drilling and Blasting Company in Chino Valley, Ariz. We
also reported that the first of two arrests was Richard Anthony Quick, 28,
of Prescott Valley, Ariz. — specifically living in the 3700 block of Tower
Road. Frankly, I find it hard to believe anyone could confuse the
situation — Mr. Richard Anthony Quick’s arrest — with you, a
billionaire, according to your Web site. Without knowing of a
multi-millionaire Richard Quick living somewhere in the world, I believe we
satisfied our journalistic professionalism in this matter by publishing the
man’s full name, age, address and hometown.
Please contact me directly
if you have any questions.
Thank you.
Tim Wiederaenders
Managing Editor
The Daily Courier, Prescott, Arizona

Mr. Wiederaenders (what nationality is that? Certainly sounds foreign. And why is he hiding out in the desert?) claims: “Frankly, I find it hard to believe anyone could confuse the situation — Mr. Richard Anthony Quick’s arrest — with you, a billionaire.” Temporarily putting aside Mr. Wiederaenders obvious struggles with grammatical syntax (English his second language perhaps?), I assume that Mr. W. is saying that if he is wrong, and people do confuse “the situation” with “me,” that he is willing to print a clarifying story as originally promised by his reporter. Let’s just see how deep Mr. W’s “journalistic professionalism” runs when I copy him on the numerous inquiries and correspondi we have received expressing alarm and concern at my supposed arrest, and the libelous implications that i am somehow involved in terrorist activities.

I suspect that no matter how much evidence I present, Mr. W. and the political forces he represents will never follow through on their promise of clarification unless legally forced to do so. Why? Do you have to ask? This is nothing short of another example of the liberal media doing whatever it can to bring down the wealthy and powerful, to attack the patriotic, God-fearing conservative Republicans who love this country, and maintain their liberal grip on the poor deluded and impressionable minds of the American public.

I know, I am supposed to apologize for my wealth. Feel guilty for my power and influence. And be ashamed that I love my country and will die to protect all that it represents. I’m sorry, Mr. Wiederaenders and whomever is supplying your agenda, it’s not going to be that easy to bully the real Richard Quick, Esq. to betray the ideals of this great nation, and to be silent in the face of liberal tyranny!

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