JUST SAY GNOME! Sign GnomeWatch’s Magic Fence Initiative and send undocumented lawnworkers gnome!

"Sorry, Uncle…" Immigration Control Poster

Poor Uncle Sam. He’s an American legally (Indians didn’t have VISAS). But his job has been taken by an illegal, undocumented parasitic yard gnome with ties to Al Qaida.

Sign up for Richard Quick’s political action newsletter and BE somebody!

Undocumented Lawn Workers are Terrorists!

How long are we going to sit idly by while these undocumented lawn workers (ULWs) violate the sanctity of our borders, defy our laws, frighten our small mammals, ogle our women and STEAL American jobs? Sign up for Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.’s Political Action Newsletter to learn what you can do!

[Paid announcement sponsored by the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP) in conjunction with the Millionaire’s Rights Coalition (MRC).]

Send’M Gnome!!! Immigration control NOW!

I chaired last week’s conference of the National Association for the Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP) in St. Moritz. (Compliments to chef Reto. All agreed your creme brulee is magnifique!) I hosted had an intensive open discussion session (titled Hard Issues, Hard Liquor) on the veranda. I opened with a toast to one of my many conquests, the fiesty activist Lady Jennifer, for no apparent reason except that Gwen had not yet arrived and I thought it best to get it in quick, so to say. I then proceeded to ask the millionaires in attendance “Where’s your pain? What pressing issues must we discuss? Do you know of millionaires being repressed, oppressed, tortured and taxed?” I challenged them to let us know which hard topics we needed to address in the next year.

The topic of immigration seemed to dominate the entire 20 minutes. Some people said some points, but then it was time for our annual Waterford Crystal Skeet Shoot Charity event, and we all agreed it was a good session then hurried to the skeet range to “shoot us some flyin’ bowls”.

10 MORE Ways to GET RICH QUICK!!!

Start a Christian Dollar Store! The only thing Americans love more than Jesus is a great bargain for a dollar. So why not offer quality Christian products like Bible tins with cross-shaped mints, American “Fish Flag” pins (pictured), Tangy scripture candy, and t-shirts that read “Jesus. Sweet Savior. King of Kings” designed to look like the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups logo.

Open a Brain Transplant Clinic… even if you have no degree, medical background or intelligence! This is a great new business at the cutting edge of cosmetic technology. Why fix it when you can replace it?

Build Corpses for Fun & Profit. For $19.95, you can learn the secrets of building lifesize, realistic, decaying corpses in the privacy of your own home. You’ll be the go-to guy or gal in your subdivision in no time.

Or Become a Corpse Reseller. Gone are the days of late night, moonlit trips to the foggy boneyard with annoying hunchbacks and all that digging. Now you simply pick up the phone, place your wholesale order, specify gender, hair color, skin color & degree of decay and you’re done! Orders are dropshipped directly to your customers! All you do is sell!

Help Parents Create Perfect Children. God created some fine human beings, but GenoChoice is taking it to the next level. Earn a generous commission or referral fee for bringing your discriminating friends and neighbors to Genochoice BEFORE reproductive mistakes are made.

Become a Memory Erasure Intake Counselor. Work from home, counseling friends and neighbors on how to erase memories they’d rather forget. Not only will you earn consulting fees and sales commissions, you can erase your own bad memories for free!

Provide Primate Temp Tech Workers. Except for their unseemly habit of picking nits from their fur and eating them, primates are the perfect answer for the critical shortage in skilled technical workers available on short notice who will work for no pay.

Buy/Sell Black Market Babies, Pandas & Tigers. Dynamite product line. Growing market. Be sure you are in compliance with any laws in your township or borough.

Sell Upscale Human Caviar. Chrissy Caviar® started the ball rolling by marketing jars containing her own anaerobically sealed eggs suspended in light human tubal fluid. Conservationists love that they’re 100% Dolphin Free. Sell Chrissy’s eggs, or harvest your own!

Start a Negro Rental Service. Those crazy negros. Is there anything they can’t do? Now you can turn the demand for America’s favorite minority into a great business you can run from the other side of town. Or get ahead of the curve with a Latino Leasing, Temp-Iranians, Contract a Canuck, or Rent to Own an Asian Agency.

Here’s how you can fight “get rich quick” scammers:
Click on their ads in the sidebars and headers of websites
named, like, Get Rich Quick!
That way, they make a contribution to the anti-scamming efforts
of Richard Quick, Esq. It’ll be your little way of “clickin’ it to the man. “
See you on the veranda! Richard Quick, Esq.

Ten Ways to Get Rich Quick!

[Pictured at left, the Aluminum Foil Detector Beanie. Photo Credit: AFDB]

Richard Quick, Esq., America’s foremost wealthbuilding expert voted America’s “Most Beloved Millionaire” for five years in a row, share with you some ideas on how to start your own successful business, and Get Rich Quick!

Sell immortality with Alex Chiu’s Eternal Life Device! Become an affiliate reseller of visionary and genius Alex Chiu’s fast-selling products, including his Eternal Life Device, and products Gorgeouspil, and Chi Flush.

Sell Peace of Mind with an AFDB franchise! According to the website, “An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers.” Do not wear when visiting my site.

Become a BabyCage Distributor. Not only will you make piles of cash, you’ll be helping to form tomorrow’s docile, housebroken consumers and voters.

Start your own Pet Island! Dog Island is a tropical success story, but there’s a lot of room in the growing pet resort industry. For instance, no one has seized the low-cost tier of pet vacation spots. Parrot Apartment? Boxer Basement? Kitty Warehouse?

Open a Male Pregnancy Clinic. At last, technology has made the genders equal, and eliminated nature’s liberal, feminist bias.

Turn that spare bedroom into a Home Lasik Surgery Center! Buy one of these kits and you can laser-correct your own eyeballs, then offer the popular surgery to friends and family at a fraction of what hospitals and medical doctors charge.

Sell Shades, the Lipstick for Men. Create a compelling line of shades that set of the natural contours of the male face, and you can kiss your money troubles behind.

Sell Shards O’ Glass Freeze Pops Frozen treats are a hot market! But ice cream, frozen yogurt, and Italian Ice are past their prime. Get in on the trend toward glass-enriched frozen treats with Shards O’ Glass Freeze Pops, the nation’s top-selling frozen treats containing glass shards.

Import Gourmet Coconuts from Minnesota. Minnesota is the coconut capitol of the upper Midwest. Now you can offer high-quality Minnesota coconuts in your town.

Sell your immortal soul. Unfortunately, the market is a bit glutted with an oversupply of already-sold souls, but this company pays a competitive rate even for heavily leveraged Republican souls.

Important notice: Did you know that whenever you click on the little ads of a get-rich-quick scheme that it costs the scammers & schemers money? You know, like the ads that appear in the sidebars and headers of websites named, like, Get Rich Quick? So click a few get rich quick ads… hell, click them all… It’ll be your little way of sticking to the scam. Or clickin’ it to the man. Or something.

Liberal Ethics… Part Two (Updated!)

Remember Dee Hill? He has a blog called Hark Fraud! I mean, Hark Imagination!

When last he spoke, Dee dared me to contact Google AdSense to vindicate his click-swapping scam. He also threatened me, Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. , a world-reknowned attorney and Senior Partner of Quick, Duhk & Hyde Law Firm, with a harrassment suit. Just for disagreeing with him

So I contacted Google AdSense for clarification. Their response, as any intelligent and/or ethical human would expect:

Hello Richard,

Thanks for your email. Publishers are not permitted to
encourage users to click on Google ads or bring excessive attention to ad
units for any reason. For example, sites cannot contain phrases such as
“click the ads,”"support our sponsors,” “visit these recommended links,” or other similar language that could apply to the Google ads. Therefore, we feel the program your friend has created would be in violation of our program policies. Please feel free to email us at if you have additional questions or concerns.

Sincerely, Winnie
The Google AdSense Team

What do you think, Lee? Are you shocked that it’s not acceptable to fraudulently charge small business owners with bogus clicks? Is it unfair that these hard-working Americans who risk it all in the pursuit of the American entrepreneurial dream might have a problem paying you to sleep until noon, and donating their hard-earned money to buy you nice frilly things?

Dee, I thank you for providing such a clear picture of liberal ethics, that trait that enables you to be indignant at governmental injustice, then put ethics aside when it benefits you financially.

Liberal ethicists: Please feel free to enlighten us as to how you and Dee are really carrying the banner of righteousness for America. Unlike Dee, I’m all ears.

UPDATE: For some reason Dee Hill took down all posts related to his fraudulent you-click-mine-I’ll-click-yours Adwords scam operation! In its place he has placed a bunch of whiny messages about being spammed by someone blah blah blah and lodged a complaint about my exposing his scam and showing his photograph on my site. I will take Dee’s photo link down, not because I’ve been contacted by anyone, but because I’d feel terrible if Dee started crying. It seems shadowy figures can’t operate in the light of day. So much for free speech and open debate. He threatened to sue me for harrassment for exposing his scheme. Aren’t liberals for freedom of speech? Dee Hill sure used his freedom of speech to smear his employer on rip-offreport.com, although the employer was running a legitimate business and Dee just didn’t feel like working that hard (or so it seemed). Isn’t that the way with the liberal ethic? They’ll rant and rave about their noble causes… as long as they don’t have to get out of bed before 11:00 am, and just so they don’t have to be held to the same ethical standards they set for everyone else.

Dee Hill: Feel free to enter your opposing view or rebuttal (look it up) in the comments. I’m not afraid of dialogue. I have never edited a comment, no matter how abusive.

Prototype 2008 Democratic Campaign Button

[Pictured, Prototype 2008 Democratic Campaign button. Source: undisclosed. ]

One of our conservative operatives, working deep cover in the Democratic party, has leaked the prototype design for the 2008 Democratic campaign buttons.

The condom was chosen as the perfect liberal icon since a condom allows for inflation, diminishes production, protects a bunch of pricks while destroying the next generation, and provides a sense of security while you’re being screwed.

See you on the veranda!

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.
Founder, Millionaire Rights Coalition
Chair, National Association for the
Advancement of Wealthy People (NAAWP)

Richard Quick’s Love Letters & Fan Mail

Kevin Says: You’re all alone… Seek psychological help.
Stephen fan Says: That Quick guy is going all over the internet posting crap about Stephen Colbert. Richard, get a life, spend your millions, make more, show us what true blue lift yourself up by your own bootstraps American entrepreneurship really means! Stephen, heroes are known by their enemies. Judging by yours, you are the BEST!
Lora Says: Ignore Richard Quick, he’s just a tick. Stephen, thanks. We get it!
Evelyn Mills Says: Regarding Richard Quick’s negative comments about Stephen’s balls: I fear Richard doth protest too much. Pricked your shortcomings, did he Richard? To the quick.
Vivienne Says: Looks like Richard Quick has no life. His attempt to pass himself off as Stephen Colbert would be amusing if not so sad.
Also, rather infantile and pathetic to advertise himself as a “millionaire” which leads me to assume that he is not. Either way, he has no class. I looked at his site. Just another pyramid scheme and he posts here to try to pull in a few more to finance his rent, or habit….The one good thing about Richard Quick’s inane posts is that he is increasing the total count of “thanks”. Maybe he should continue on and on with the prattlings and the site will make news when the “thanks” reach 100,000!
Polo Says: Millionare Richard Quick. Why should we pay any attention to anyone who has to refer to himself as Millionaire rather than Mr. or just plain Richard Quick? Richard, you need to get out and visit with common people with common sense.
D man Says: Despite what “quickie dick” (you can get a cream for that you know) would have you believe, that wasn’t really Stephen posting a couple hundred comments ago. The guy appears to be angry that we all found Stephen so funny and is trying to punish us for it by faking like he’s our intrepid hero. Just another angry conservative that feels the tide turning and is panicked by it. Just pop another oxycontin like your hero Rush and fark.com off already. You will hardly feel the power shift at all in your current prescription induced haze. The funny thing is that by commenting in this thread, little dickie quick is actually adding to the number of thank yous and helping further publicize an event I’m sure his party would love to forget!
Glory Says: Are people actually giving credibility to this sick-quick-prick??? He’s here ONLY to disrupt and distract!!! If people engage him, or begin discussing him, he wins! He masquerades as multiple posters … and even debates himself trying to draw others in. He’s nothing more than a slime trail left by some long gone stomach-crawler and, as such, should be ignored. (I only commented at this time because i’m loath to see him reap any benefit.) It’s too bad that ignorance isn’t painful.
Elisa Says: What an idiot you are. Richard Quick is an asshole who just wants you to click on his site. He’s only pretending to be a Colbert fan.
Elisa Says: Richard Quick, you’re such a loser. Now go back to your bathroom and wank off some more.
Kevin Says: Just ignore him.

ColinS Says: (Re: post 59952) Richard Quick “Prick,”
Until you realize the biggest con on you IS the the George Bush Administration, you shall remain quite smug in your lemmings ignorance. Only then will you know that you have been royally f’d by those who really don’t give a f about you. Try as you might, you cannot dilute the “Colbert Effect.” I implore you to understand it, and it’s enlightenment. And, sooner than later man. We do need continually enlightened citizens for a healthy democracy. And so it is, the majority of Americans have begun to see the unhealty regressive ideas of this Administration and it’s enablers.

ColinS Says: (Re: post 60031) Richard Quick “Prick,” When will you understand that YOUR con IS over. When will you realize that that to try to denegrate the messenger when you have nothing to say, is getting old real fast. The majority of Americans are simply not buying that tactic anymore. Bring some intelligence, please. I suppose you wrote your “thank yous” here on a slate with chalk, no? You should spend some time commenting on the industrial military and oil conglamorates. Or, maybe you see these as godfilled capitalist corporations which you support?
David Says: 60031 - Response. COlbert is getting rich exposing the lies of our government? Hmmm…. Comedy Central is making money off of exposing the abuses of power? Did we not get a kickback (you call it “taxbreak”) in the form of a payoff (tax rebate check) for voting him into office? YOu are right, Colbert is getting rich. I’ll pay him double for him to keep on doing what he is doing. Stephen Colbert is rich, and I say he should get even more. Heck he should get a whopping 1 percent of what the oil companies and executives linked to this administration are getting.
Elisa Says: Mr. Quick, you’re truly pathetic. Get a life. Notice how everyone else here is utterly ignoring you.
Anonymous Says: To other fans of Stephen Colbert: please feel free to ignore Richard Quick.
Bring back the Guillotine says: “Steve, you make my timbers shiver with pride!” -Richard Quick This is the gayest thing I’ve seen on a blog in a long time. This sentence proves to me that you are a self loathing closet homosexual… To close I would like to say that I have nothing against gay men. Just against gay men who go about bashing the ones who have had the guts to face society, and be who they are.
Gwen Hammond says: If I had more time (and I don’t because I actually WORK for my money), I would waste you.Waste you, I say.
Dee says: …I highly suggest that you take my picture and link off of your blog immediately. Your posts constitute spamming and online harassment, neither of which I’m sure Google will tolerate.
Eric Jasso says: Uh, OK…you claim to be a gazzilionaire, but you can’t afford a decent photographer? Six shots on Flickr…six shots of equal crapness? Dude…call Donald Trump. Maybe he can tell you who he uses.

Charles said: Maybe more to the point, can you remember what it was like to not have the sort of money that gives one a sense of invulnerability and yet stand up to speak truth to power? Whatever we are in life, one day we all die; as a Christian, I believe we will be judged. We will be judged by the standard not of how much money we had, but of how we used it. Reading your site, I get the sense that you have no idea that money can be used to do anything more than obtain very temporary gratification. You ask us to envy you for the supermodels that I suppose serve as prostitutes to you. Is there one person on this earth who would love you if you had nothing at all? I get the sense not. So, rather than your envy, you have my regrets, at a life slipping away, barely lived.

ColinS Says: May 24th, 2006 at 4:09 pm (Re: post 60051, 52) Richard Quick “Prick,”
Why do you feel the need to be prick. Come out of the closet, man. It’s ok, God still loves you.
You have made you prick points. Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart, please leave now.

HAPPINISTAS Reign of Silence: Day 8

Day Eight of the Happinista’s Reign of Silence!

[At left, a track of the American chicken]

Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq. paces the veranda, his eyes on the horizon as if waiting to hear the theme music of Tora! Tora! Tora! or maybe that movie with the weird song that sounded like the memory game SIMON but was really a message from aliens… Close Encounters of the 3rd Time… that’s it.

He paces as if at any moment the sky could fill with millions of disc-shaped peace sign magnets, descending like hordes of kamikaze tie-dyed locusts, spiriting away anything metallic from the pool area, veranda and tennis courts. Damn! Those croquet wickets were imported!

It’s been seven days since he’s heard from the rebel Happinista Leader Sara Nichols. Was his apology seen as a sign of weakness? Had he played the “sorry card” too soon? Was it her resemblance to Jody Foster, his childhood crush from Family Affair, that had him so unnerved?

Quick’s a practical man. A realist. A pragmatist. He knows that Peace could break out at any moment. He summons his sales manager.
“Start unloading the Support our Troops Stickers! Discount, force-ship. whatever it takes!” he barks.
“But Mr. Quick…”
“You heard me,” says Quick. “And get me the latest inventory counts for pot-leaf, Marley, Deadhead and peace sign stickers. I’m going to crush these Happinistas once and for all.”

“Senor Qweek!” says his undocumented maid Marta. “El Presidente Boosh is on the phone.”
“Take a message and hold my calls, Marta.” says Quick. “I’ll be in the Master suite with the Mrs. Beasly twins.”

Damn you, Sara, says Quick, climbing the sweeping staircase. Damn you and your Gross National Happiness Team!

LEARN MORE ABOUT VERMONT PEACEWORKS, A GROUP THAT HAS RAISED LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FOR THE CAUSE OF REBEL HAPPINISTAS. When you visit the website, ask yourself: why is Eric Sperber blocking the door? What is he hiding? Perhaps a sweatshop in which St. Albans Cooperative dairy farmers are forced to stamp out peace signs for no pay? And shouldn’t there be a law against the kinds of irresponsible unAmerican rhetoric (”I’m against senseless killing…”) that seems to spew forth from these Happinistas like… things that spew with great force? You can send a message to these Happinistas. Buy a box of their peace signs but plaster them all over your beemer or SUV upside down! And then take a fat Sharpie and write arrows at them, and write these words all over your car: Tracks of the American Chicken! Who’s the funny one now, Colbert?!

A history of the conflagration:
The Attack begins.
The Truth about the radical Happinistas emerges
Rebel Happinista Communique Leaked!
Happinista Sara Nichols Launches Reign of Silence

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